i am really, really, really, seriously done with my family. this has been my worst christmas ever.

merry christmas, i could care less.

the time has come.

yeah it's not even christmas yet, but since i'm not really having a christmas, i'm jumping to new year's.

new year's resolutions:

1. lose 10 pounds, OR until tummy is gone. i am doing this by means of working out at least five nights a week and eating nothing but special k, water, and fruits and veggies. this is going to be extra difficult whilst my boyfriend is trying to GAIN weight and is eating five meals a day. grr. but seriously now. this is the time to get this taken care of. i have a feeling i'm going to be moving somewhere exciting next year, and my weight is the last thing i want to be worrying about. being comfortable in my skin will ease the process of taking some uncomfortable leaps in life.

2. be happier, and go where life takes me. i feel like i'm stuck in this limbo in my life right now, where nothing is really quite right. i'm not entirely happy here. and if i have the chance to go somewhere new, do something new, try something new.. i'm gonna do it. i'm really serious about this. my mother's double standard about me going to college and letting my brother drop out is pretty unacceptable in my mind.

3. hang out with my roommates more. yeah, i have absolutely no way of relating to them whatsoever, but i can try. along with the 'be happier' part above, this should fall into place as well.

4. don't let my boyfriend rule my life so much. i'm such a relationship-driven person that i don't mind a bit that i spend all of my time with him. i know that we're absolutely perfect for each other and that we're going to be together for a long time. but in the back of my mind, i know it's not entirely healthy. i've been kind of deprived of the alone time that i was so accustomed to back at home. (but that's just college, i guess.) but i need to be doing other things, going places with other people.

5. change things up. i don't think this really counts as a resolution, but, at the dawn of the new year, i'm going to change some things. one thing being my wardrobe. my closet is so small in the first place that i need to rid of the things that look awful on me, or are just really old, or hold bad memories.. or whatever. i'm going to start reading more books again, and basically just keep myself on my toes. i think that's pretty important.


i have a feeling 2010 is gonna be a good year ;)

a solid soul and the blood i bleed

it's been a nice day! (: i got more presents, and i bought presents!


kayshia lyn gave me a lovely new green blanket and ryan bought me a bear at the hallmark store! hehe i love stuffed animals :} it's been so long since i've had a legit one. kristal also gave me a mug and socks yesterday :}

and this is what i bought for each of my roommates.



i also saw geri at target, which is always happy because she is the prettiest girl i know.

yay christmas time!

i don't know when, but a day is gonna come.

today i dreamed and daydreamed
though to them it seems a scheme,
i wondered if we all think different,
how one can bear a fraction of a dream.

i just see life in a larger scope,
and it kind of makes me want to cry,
knwoing they're ok with letting that die.
i think i'll find some other way,
something else to sacrifice.

'cause there's so many things i want to see,
and touch and find and do,
and such a thing, to know that's not the truth.

but i refuse, i guess
i refuse all i've been told.
because i never read of anguished lives,
just stories of dreams made whole.
and i don't want to be a number,
that number that grows every day,
of souls unknowingly dying
by giving up, and walking away.

best weekend in a while.

saturday night was so lovely!


we ate calamari, which i adore.


and i tried veal for the first time, which i'm pretty fond of.




and ryan bought us wine to take home :)



then last night we went to applebee's per uzj and ryan got drunk.




he looks pretty snazzy in the $8 target scarf i bought him :)
speaking of which, he got me the most thoughtful christmas presents. he gave me my Glee CD early a couple weeks ago because i was really upset one night, and he knew it would put a smile on my face. <3. and on saturday he gave me Pump by Aerosmith, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and this limited edition of The Wild Things by Dave Eggers.


we both know how i'm not really the biggest fan of Dave Eggers, but i'm excited to read this. and if i do hate it as much as i hated A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, well... it's a fucking furry book! i love it. it's my very own Monster Book of Monsters.

anyway after dinner last night we went to creed's and laughed a lot. then came home and snuggled all night.

i came to find out i don't have an integrated studies final today. now i only have math final tomorrow night, art critique on wednesday, english final on thursday, and history final on friday. and sunday i'm off to disney! :))
(oh and i'm getting my money back this week, thank goodness. let me once again put in a truly awful word for paypal. in their email telling me my case was won, they didn't even say "sorry for the inconvenience" or anything; almost as if peoples' money just disappeared all the time, no big deal ...haha.)

THE ANGER

this has been the worst-possible, god-awful, absolutely terrible, most horrible week of my life.

it started out okay, i guess.
but the past few days.. my god.

1. i got robbed of $113 through my fucking paypal account. that's half my fucking money, and there's a chance that i won't even get it back. i'm canceling my fucking paypal account after it's all done. ebay isn't worth it.
2. i was running late to class this morning and was in a hurry and backed into my roommate's car. hers is okay thank god but my car looks even more trashy now.
3. i have a fucking 69.44% in math. i need a 70% to pass the class or else i'll have to do it all the fuck over again. all i have left to do is the final exam, and i think i can bring it up that little bit, but if i don't, i'm going to be livid. i might just quit school. it makes me so angry.

and amidst everything else i have to do this weekend:

1. five or six retarded things for integrated studies.
2. five or six more sketches and one more entire final drawing project i haven't started.
3. so much math studying.
4. and start history studying.

ugh i don't even know what to do. i wish there was something i could do get all of this off my mind but there's nothing. maybe i'll just go to barnes & noble for the night and read and keep my mind off things before this horrible weekend ensues.



/end complaining. this isn't helping my trying to be a more optimistic, happy person whatsoever. one thing to be happy about:

1. i think i'm losing weight from the stress.

l a z y .

today i sit in my bedroom in the dark.
i only wear a white tank top and ryan's orange underwear.
i find it pretty classy. this is all i'm going to wear in the summer when we live together.
i listen to the hives and take way too many pictures of myself.
fucking wednesdays.
so peaceful.

i think i'm growing fond of winter

as long as there are no massive snowstorms preventing me from driving anywhere, i think winter's kind of okay. it kind of feels like we're all just bears and we all fall half-asleep for four months. i feel so groggy all the time. but it gives me a good excuse to stay on the couch and drink lotsssssss of coffee and watch movies and cuddle with the boyfriend. i like feeling nice and bundled up and warm. i guess all it took was getting over my stubbornness and learning how to dress warm haha (: i'll demonstrate that now by going outside to check the mail ONCE AGAIN. so anxious.

eeee!

HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!!! :D fucking hardcore edition!!! so excited for this!



if only i had a big amazing TV and a blu-ray player :( when we move, i guess.

also, i wish ryan's gifts would come in the mail soon :( i can't wait to see his cute face light up!

it's getting better.

it's getting better!

finals in a week. i only have four. it's not going to be horrible. english will be a breeze. math may be tough. history may be tough. and i might just end up failing integrated studies. it's ok, doesn't matter.

the next week will kind of be hell, but after that life's going to get amazing! christmas with ryan, then off to disney world for christmas with the family, then new year's with ryan (eeee!!) and then like two more weeks of freedom. then, i'm auditioning for tuacahn in early february :} yay.

and YAY new hair! i suppose it was worth the $185. none of my stylists in cedar city ever managed to get my bangs or layers looking this good. however, i am just waiting for someone to tell me i look like alice cullen.



and THIS is my new favorite place in all of st. george!!



we got them to serve coffee in mugs! i honestly feel like i'm not in st. george anymore while i'm inside that place. wondrous escape. i can't wait to live in a real city.

note to self: stock up on plaid shirts.

edit: NO! save money, dumbass..

so little time

my emotions have two options right now:
liberation
or depression.
right now i'm stuck on the latter, but there's a little sliver inside of me that's saying the former will soon arrive. this feeling that i have no idea what's going on is so fucking scary. but it's also complete liberation, i guess. in what could be less than a month, i could be anywhere, doing anything. i could be genuinely thrilled, or i could be even more horribly depressed.

so many options:
1. move to a new apartment at red sands. take the risk of having even worse roommates, but still, get away from my psycho ones.
2. move in with ryan and his parents for the time being. bold move, i wouldn't be sure how to go about that.
3. find a completely new student apartment. would be really difficult to achieve in so little time.
4. sell my contract, quit school, and move to portland with ryan right now.

i'm so unhappy here. i'd be happy if i had my own apartment in a nice city with ryan and found a job and worked full time. college is not making me happy whatsoever. it's wasting my time, really. time that i'm trying really desperately to preserve and use to my advantage.

home is where your heart is

i'm cornered inside a house where i'm disliked.
i'm not used to that.
and i never will be.
i miss mommy never really being there but always being there.
i miss hearing "i love you" before i go to school. now i just get awkward glares.
i miss my green walls, my ocean-like bed, the snow up to my window, my mommy's christmas decorations.
i don't feel homesick, but i want to go home.

--

11th dimension; cold and; sad;

your faith has got to be greater than your fear.

what a great sort of creed.

i'm starting to think no matter how much i try to change things, things won't change. i'm considering starting to wake up at 5 in the morning every day to go to the gym but i'm also considering the doubt that it will even help. i also thought about requesting a new apartment next semester but i doubt that will help either. i've just simply discovered that roommates and i don't get along. roommates in general. i wasn't made for them; i'm not that kind of person. i find it so difficult to leave ryan's house because it's an internal comfort being in a real house with a real family. i hate leaving that to come "home" to.. i don't feel like explaining it again. another note - i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i hate college. i can't get a job. it scares me that the only good thing in my life is ryan, and the fact that that one thing is SO good, it makes my perspective hazy as to how bad everything else is. which is a good thing. i guess. but that makes me pretty dependent on him. which i want to be, because i want to be with him forever. but at the same time, i need to really get my own life organized. at least a little bit. i feel so alone right now, it's killing me.

with the smallness of paris and the eccentricity of new york

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit.
Like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there, drifting off to sleep,
drifting off to sleep.
I'll be the platform shoes; undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat, with the collar up so you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony.
Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names.
Identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare feet in this brand new colony.
This brand new colony.

you opened my eyes to

common sense


common judgement


sense



nonsense



spontaneity

reason

what's real


and what's not


and nothing was real


until two looks

and two shots later

just so tired

to put it gently, i am very very very very very very very tired.

not just from dethklok, mastodon, converge, and high on fire last night either. totally brutal. metal shows are fun.

no i'm just very very tired. in general.
i'm tired of this entire semester, i'm tired of my roommates, i'm tired of having no money, and i'm really really tired of being fat. i know that he is so small, but being ten pounds more than your boyfriend is really depressing. i'm kind of at a breaking point about it. i'm going to have to start working out like five nights a week in order to lose any weight, and i don't have the energy or time or will for that.

i hate college. it makes you tired, it makes you broke, and it makes you fat. nothing good comes of it. i'm definitely taking a year off after next fall. i really don't care what my parents say, i think 19 is a good age to break away from your homegrown responsibilities and do something for yourself.

there's this TV show called glee, and it kind of runs my life.

if only i could have the confidence of rachel berry.

she kind of inspires me. it would be a different story if she was popular and well-liked, but she's not. she is usually miserable outside of glee but once she goes on stage she's incredible and everyone likes her. unfortunately she's a fictional character so saying she inspires me is kind of silly.

part of me wants to run full-speed at my dreams. my dream job would be to be doing musical theater. as my job. all the time. i don't even want a lead role; if i could just be on stage every day for the rest of my life and go home with an okay paycheck, i'd be thrilled. and i'm at the point in my life where i should start chasing that dream - taking acting classes, voice lessons, dance lessons, etc... it's all right here within my reach right now. but my lack of confidence is what's keeping me from all of it. i don't know if i think the theater world won't like me, or if i think the dream is simply too crazy and unattainable. i know if i worked hard enough i could do it. this is something to think about.

you'll never find it if you're looking for it

it's insane how lovely it is to wake up at 6 in the morning and feel another person wake up next to you, and feel them tighten their grip around you and hear them say "i love you so much." IS there a better way you could possibly start your day? i'm so lucky, i've never felt so safe and sound at all times. i'm 18 years old and i've found what everyone goes searching for for their entire lives. it just makes everything so much easier, when everything else is so hard. i'm just so amazed. i didn't really expect to get him, and i didn't really expect him to be so amazing if i ever did. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. we just fit. we fit so perfectly.

yeah, life

i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.
'cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.
and after all, you're my wonderwall.
<3

brown eyes just look bigger

i want to be 15 pounds less.
i want big brown eyes.
i want to look good in just socks, underwear, and a tank top.
i want edgy alternative-colored hair that makes heads turn but still long and luxurious enough to make the whole world envious.

i want to stop looking in mirrors and reflections everywhere i go.

today i realized,
what the hell is stopping me?




i have the nicest boyfriend in the world. every once in a while i step back and think "no way he's mine."

i want the world to know, just as well as i do, that the smile on my face is completely pure and untouched.
i may seem like i'm much too concerned with the world,
but i feel like i'm giving it hope.

out of focus

i feel so blurry and tired. i feel like i've been getting the best sleep and worst sleep of my life. i'm scared of many things. i'm scared of being alone on christmas. literally, alone; sitting in my apartment completely by myself. i'm scared of never seeing ryan anymore once i start working. i'm scared of this research paper. i always loved english so i'm kind of reluctant to say i'll be glad when it's over, but that's how i feel. i'm scared of what i'll be doing with my life this time next year. these are all such random things, but they're kind of killing me. i hate my bedroom and my apartment and just college. i'm always making excuses to get away from all of the above. i'd rather sleep in ryan's bed than mine though it's not possible. i'd rather be anywhere than class. dixie is such a joke of a school.

and i'm really not this depressed and upset and angry, i'm actually feeling really good. but for finally being free, life could be SO much better, you know?

i'm safer than it seems

so i've been having HUGE finance stress. stressing so bad over it... how i have so little in my account, and so little income at all, and how i have a money-spending addiction, and how it seems i'll never ever got a job in my life.

well, today i realized it's okay. because in ten months, maybe seven, i'll be safe. he will save me, he will be there for me, he will love me, and yes, that's enough. that's all i could ever need.

even if we're sitting in an apartment with stark white walls and stained carpets and no room to breathe and we're starving to death in each other's arms, we will still be in each other's arms.

i feel so safe when he's next to me. i just feel complete when you're by my side. i feel a small emptiness when we can't be together. he makes me feel awake and fills me up with emotions; i feel relaxed.. excited.. anxious... happy.

:)


totally noteworthy sidenote: i tried out something i read in cosmopolitan on ryan this morning and he said "this is cool, i've never done this before" and fucking loved it. i thought all those tips were just bullshit. awesome! i love cosmo.

Cheyenne

oh she loves you, she loves you
she loves you
oh cheyenne
you marvelous thing
the way my pen writes your name
your face on my mind
I'm alone and I...
oh she could love you
so much better than him

oh she won't be gentle and kind
you angel of darkness and wit and legs
oh cheyenne
you clever thing
like swans and pearls and ice
I try to forget but I, I just fight
but now you're stuck in black and white
and oh she only wanted one night

she loves you
oh cheyenne
she loves you so much more than him

one fish, two fish

“you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

I know my life must be amazing, if i am honest-to-god living a dr. seuss quote. he is one of my biggest heroes. he says the most in the fewest words. i trust every word he says, i guess, and if he says i'm in love, i very well must be. i am completely, irrevocably in love. i don't want to fall asleep at night because feeling his arms and his scent and his skin is so much better than any dream i could make up in my head. we're real. and it kind of blows my fucking mind.






screw bella and edward and allie and noah. we are so tom and summer. like, to a effin t.

and i got jackson cannery

sometimes i wish, well, all the time, that i had my own personal photographer that followed me around everywhere, all the time, every day. and snapped pictures of everything worthy of snapping and especially the things that aren't. i think it's totally absurd that our lives are landmarked only by the pictures we take at weddings, birthdays, proms, and senior years. these are significant events but most of our significant memories are in times of no printed importance. unexpected things. unexpected places. and people.
sometimes i want to be a photographer so i have an excuse to carry around a camera and attempt to record these things. photography's gotten such a bad rep with the indie scene nowadays. it really is such a remarkable art form. i should really invest in a camera.

good morning good morning good morning

this has become my life:





screw college, imonna be a baker! seriously. i love it. it's so calming and lovely and delicious.

oh life is good... and this weekend will be beyond good. currently planning to see kym and wade on friday! and have the ptown house to myself with ryan for the night (<3) and homecoming on saturday night :} and we are going to look HOT. seriously, we're such a sexy couple. we're taking pictures. many. and i don't know how well these shoes on my feet and alcohol in my stomach is going to work out but



i am more than willing to find out xD

this was my breakfast

whilst trying to convince my roommates that i'm NOT a hippie.

lol.


i'm thinking about moving to salt lake next summer/year. i want to volunteer at the zoo, i want to get a job and make money, i want to live with ryan... but it's way too early to divulge that though, i'm thinking. one-month anniversary tomorrow though! amazing :) simply amazing. i'll never ever forget our first date/kiss/night together. all the same night.. a month ago. amazing. amazing. simply amazing.

no i definitely don't want to risk losing this sheer happiness. it's completely mine. i have never been so careful about protecting a relationship before. it's just all so perfect. i'm always sneaking glances of us in reflections. it's like looking into a wishing well. but they're really just car doors and mirrors. it's actually real.

tonight's the night. and i'm so excited C:

ahhhhhh deaign34 8a;o <3

ohhh i missed having a real boyfriend. it is nice. it is so nice. party.

somehow i'm always "that girl." in a good way. every girl wants to be that girl that makes a guy change for the better. that's always been me. i'm lucky.

this has been life of lately:











looks like a good life to me, does it not?
and you know.. it only gets better. for sure.

i don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

i think there's a few ways you can tell when you've got something really, really good. here's mine.

you know how kisses lose their spark after so many? (and trust me, we've had many.) but every time i see him, each kiss feels like the very first again. and i just crave his lips all the time when i'm not with him. he gives me chills when i simply think about him. something is so magnetic between us. god it's cheesy and stupidly over-romantic but it's fucking amazing. he's mind-blowing. i don't think i've been able to say that about many/any people.

i need to start writing again very soon.

getting a new writing journal is on my literally never-ending to-do list.

can't wait to have my first real "weekend in vegas" with my love :}

jealousy, turning saints into the sea

it was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss...

now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go...

i hardly have any time to blog anymore, but there is too much inside me to keep in... i'm beyond confused. beyond befuddled. beyond scared. the truth is i can keep telling myself and him that "I'M NOT THAT GIRL" but maybe i really am that girl. maybe i'm reading way too far into it. maybe you should STOP SENDING ME MIXED SIGNALS?! i've been pretty straightforward haven't i? i was really drunk but "i really like you" means just that. it doesn't mean "i want to be your seventh girlfriend." you said you liked me too. i asked you if i was just girl of the week and you said no. do i really have to ask again? what the hell is all this. how did everything get so muddled up. i've known you for three weeks, i don't know if i can trust you yet. you've told me to trust you and not to trust you. give me something to work with. why would you want to meet my roommates or want me to sleep in your bed every goddamn night or kiss me in public or hold my hand if i'm just a number? surely you can pick a better number. don't tell me it's ok. your charm is toxic. i'm leading myself straight into the punchline of this cruel joke. when you stare so intently in my eyes is that just another trick up your sleeve or is it real? when you hold my hand are you just pulling me where you want me or is it real?

i just can't look, it's killing me.

"is this the girl you're doin'? she's cute!"

he paints, he reads, he writes, he's 22 years old, he's extremely intelligent, he parties like a rock star, he has great friends, he likes to cuddle, he dresses nice, he's a walking music encyclopedia, he's awesome in bed, and he fucking COOKS.

is this kid for real?

rain check

i could go on and on right now about how i'm a horrible, horrible person... how all i do is hurt people, and my perception of reality is as far off as another galaxy. but instead... i'm really definitely going to consider therapy. not right away. i'll get settled with school first... but even if i feel really good for a while, i think i should still consider it. i don't think i can really fix myself on my own at this point, you know?

besides... who wouldn't want to be taught how to live life by someone who has the same name as the female zombie-slayer in resident evil?

i deal with my emotions through films

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
- Iris



i'm starting a new chapter... hell a new book.


:)



s'been almost a month since i've updated this! i'd go into description of what i've been doing, but "that would be counter-productive" of this post, you see :) i'm not looking back at all anymore... i'm getting a little nervous/slightly scared about moving in with strangers and starting school with strangers, but it's all exciting.

going shopping for apartment-things tomorrow :) moving in nine days!

HBP round 2 and the art of travel fashion

i decided that midnight Harry Potter movies are really special things. for the last two movies, i'm DEFINITELY going ALL out - hopefully i'll be in a city where there's a really big theater, and i'll have THEE best character costume in the place (pansy parkinson? :D), and i need to take tons of pictures. i realize this because i saw Half-Blood Prince again yesterday - the third day it's been out - and the crowd was sooo lame compared to the midnight show! i mean, of course, but it just makes me see that midnight movies are once-in-a-lifetime kind of shindigs, in a way. for freaks like me, they must be taken seriously, and by seriously, i mean totally outrageously :)

but back to reality...

i'm leaving for a long trek of the west coast on friday. it's going to be SO GODDAMM HOT in vegas. and probably REALLY COMPARATIVELY COLD in washington. i'll be packing an interesting assortment of clothes in my suitcase. i can't wait to stop by hot topic and grab some Harry Potter and possibly Watchmen posters to bring to college and freak out my roommates with.. :D i really don't want to be the "kym" of the apartment though.

but one of the things i'm mostly excited about on this trip is taking lots of pictures in the outdoors and the beaches and lakes. mostly testing out camerabag on my iPhone and the vintage filters. i also can't wait to tan in vegas. i only wish i had a sexy swim suit (ModCloth's Bathing Beauty Retro Swimsuit in Wine plz!!!) i wish i had that kind of money. speaking of amazing retro-ness - i have finally pulled off the perfect pin-up look. if i had a complete wardrobe to match, i'd be a happy girl. the turquoise sweater and sexy flats that i ordered from Forever 21 should help. i also decided that i REALLY like Twelve By Twelve. it's expensive compared to Forever 21 but cheap compared to Urban Outfitters and especially to ModCloth. i'm not sure i will ever order anything from ModCloth.. =/ not until i'm a successful business owner. please stay in business for another ten years, ModCloth, i love your stuff, i'm just a broke college kid!

okay i remember what i edited this to write about now. haha. i am SO stoked lately on getting a tattoo. i should probably start small.. should i start with MCR or HP? those are the two things that are really important to me to get tattooed. right now, my idea for MCR is more practical.. i already have my MCR idea totally set in stone. i'm still playing with HP. it has to be perfect :) this is one idea i'm pretty keen on.



i'm just in love with my non-traditional lightning bolt. and i think maybe even having it in my own handwriting would be pretty cool as well. my f is all fucked up though.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

OOOOMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGG

:D

Half-Blood Prince is by FAR the best HP film yet. BY FAR. as stated on MuggleCast, they totally just took everything to a completely new level. i am astounded. my favorite part of it was just the cinematography. everything had a perfect amount of this gorgeous glow. i wish all of the movies could have had that light. they better keep this director of photography for Deathly Hallows 1 and 2. SO happy we don't have to wait two years for the next movie :) a year and a half is much easier to deal with.

anyway, it was super funny and outrageously romantic. i think the romance was necessary, but i'm thinking the humor was maybe a LITTLE over the top. as well-balanced as it made the film, the plot is still very dark. they got to that at the end, but still. it was great being in a theater full of laughing people though :) everyone would be laughing so hard that no one would be able to hear the next few lines. haha good thing i'm seeing it at least twice more :P i don't know why i think it'll be any different though, haha.

i really enjoyed Dumbledore's death and his memorial. i was upset at first when i heard there was no funeral, but over time i guess i accepted it, and the "memorial" moment is just as beautiful. everyone raising their lit wands; it was really really lovely. and ginny going over to comfort harry was very real. i was shaking by that point in the movie, but i don't know if it was because of the anticiptaion of that "avada kedavra" or just because i was starting to get cold in the theater haha. i really do think it was the former though. it really was a great scene. i wonder how many people that haven't read the books will now be convinced that Snape is pure evil.. i'll have to talk to my parents about it after i go with them on Friday :) i'm not even sure they know Dumbledore dies. it'll be fun.

i love Alan Rickman. i love Snape. i love Snape so goddamn much. every time he opened his mouth was a great moment. i didn't even realize that the Unbreakable Vow scene was in Spinner's End until like, this morning. it was great too because while watching it, i couldn't get over how great that scene looked - the library sort of room with all the old books, the rain in the windows, this heavy, heavy mood over all three characters. it was all so Snape. so it alllll made sense when i realized it was Spinner's End.

i know it was 2 1/2 hours but it seemed so short :( did not want it to end. the midnight madness was awesome though :D TJ Harris was first in line and had been there for 6-7 hours. i'm sure that's a small number compared to bigger cities though. i can only imagine the chaos that ensued around the country last night.


how lucky am i that infinitus is in Florida next year when i might be living there? lucky! i need Harry Potter friends that are just as horrible as me, i really do.

edit: buying the soundtrack asap. SO amazing.

my life is intense

in the words of the loser that is ted mosby: "i think if we're really honest with ourselves about what we want out of life, life has a way of giving it to us." (approximate quote)
today, the day after i wrote that last blog, trina left me a happy birthday comment on facebook. i don't think she did that last year; i don't know about the year before that. life is just SO crazy this way, innit? and it wasn't even just simply "happy birthday." she really cares.

---

i never realized how much of a "guy's girl" i am. idk if that's actually a real phrase. but it seems to describe me. on the iphone, it's easy to see exactly all of whom you have texted/have texted you, and since i've had it, only guys have texted me. i need more girl-friends =/ there's sariah, and kym... (haha. total opposites. proves my range of friends.)

and jeez this boy is being so cute! i never thought a guy like him would ever be into someone like me. and when i say "guy" i mean "player."
i'm probably already way in over my head. i need to back off. i shouldn't trust him.

finally got mah birthday casssssshhhhh ;)
all i've decided on so far is a new pair of shoes.



$9.99
hot.


HALF-BLOOD PRINCE IN 71 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED

a whole night of nerding out with sariah and hopefully marty and michael! SO excited. gonna be one of the highlights of my summer.

i'll be the one that shouts "HALF BLOOD PRINCE '09 BABY" after the cinema workers dressed up as wizards give their whole "turn off your cell phones" speel, and the one whistling when harry and ginny kiss, and the one giving a standing ovation at the end :D

you saved my life.

"We might never again be as close as we used to be...
but I just wanted you to know that you saved my life."

my favorite part of Annie Hall is the part at the beginning with the class of elementary kids standing up and saying, "i'm a heroin addict." etc. because really, who would have guessed? i imagine all my elementary school friends in that scene... alex standing up and saying, "i live on a farm with my five adopted siblings." kim standing up and saying "i'm my high school valedictorian."

what would i say? "i'm an alcoholic actress?" "i'm a starving artist?"

kim and trina were such a big part of my life... i'm writing this because i just lurked kim's entire blog. she's going places in life... she's so smart and talented, and i'm so upset that she's not even the smallest part of my life anymore. i'm really sad in general that of the three of us, i'm the one that got left behind... kim and trina apparently still she each other often. i haven't seen trina since 9th grade, kim since 10th... i know we have to move on with our lives, but i just wish we could talk.
i wonder if i'm the person that they thought i would be. we all knew kim would be valedictorian and trina would end up in california, because those were their plans. but i didn't really have any plans... it was just as big of a shock to them as it was to me when i found out i was moving to utah. maybe that's what they resent me for. i just ran off on a spurt of spontaneity. but that's my life.. that's still my life. it's who i am.
i never had a 4.0 like either of them, and i was always the "wild one" of the trio, but would they really disapprove of who i am now? is that why we don't talk? i'm still a good person... truly i'm the same person i was in 8th grade. just older.

but... they saved my life. they should know that. they picked me up and fixed me and they didn't even have to try. they should know that. but i don't know how to tell them.


idk...


my birthday's tomorrow and all i have planned is dinner with my parents.
ugh.

me = pimp

strumming on two boys hearstrings right now. i've missed flirting :) a lot.
AHHHH disney worldddd six monthsssss!
i really haven't decided if that's what i want to do yet though...
as much as i resent my mom right now; she's right, if i go to FL, i might not come back.. and i do want to get at least an associate's degree. and i don't want to lose my scholarship...

BUT I'M SO YOUNG

I NEED TO PARTY

whatever, we'll see :)

my main concern right now is my 18th birthday... i really don't want to spend it alone.

the world has its shine

last night was fan-tastic. even though i have a huge cut on my foot that hurts like a bitch. klutzes shouldn't drink like i do. or alcoholics shouldn't be as klutzy as i am. hahaha. i'm lucky that i have someone who is always there to take care of me when i'm trashed. it's not his responsibility whatsoever, but he just does it. it's very nice.

like seven people telling me in unison that i can do way better than him.. is so great. and getting closer with close friends. when i was with ty.. i was trying to fit in with his friends that i do not fit in with. it was awesome to go back to where i belong.

i love when i take my own advice. i'm great.

FREEEDOMMMMMMM!!

life! liberty! and the pursuit of happiness! and marriage proposals from a gorgeous guy. proof that i can do way better ;D i'm not down one bit. up up up it can only go up from here. man i'm going to have fun in disney world. hopefully at dixie too.. but disney is for sure. :D i'm YOUNG and HOT, gotta live it up. c'est la vie...

and in four days, one of these babies will be miiineeeeee! young hollywood and i.



ipod for my last birthday, iphone for this one.. :D


i'm trying to decide between five new books, or a couple of new dresses... holy twizzlers, having money is liberating. i really should save it but... mehhhhh.



oh oh and public enemies was great! i realize i've gone out to the movies three times in the past week.. haha

SQUEEEEEEEEE

david g commented my art on facebook and said he loved it! :DD yeah i'd say he and i are on official facebook speaking terms 8))))
it amazes me how simple it is to speak to your heroes these days :) in text, at least.

my sister's keeper was soooooooo sad. i mean, duh. but you know how during really sad movies.. you can hear people sniffling every once in a while in the audience? well, during this movie, we could hear people sobbing. christ.

B:

banana bread, banana splits, band nerds, Barack Obama, Barnes & Noble, the beach, The Beatles, being a straight supporter, Ben Gibbard, Betsey Johnson, blogging, Bob Bryar, Bob Dylan, bonfires, Bonnie Wright, books, bowling, Boy Meets World, boys, Broadway, Brokeback Mountain, brown eyes, bubblewrap

Boy Meets World takes the gold on this one. I love EVERYTHING about this show. It's laugh-out-loud funny, which is great because it's targeted at sort of a younger audience - at first at least. But aside from the hilarity it ensues, it deals with real issues in family, friendships, relationships, and life in a real way. Not like Degrassi real. It truly just feels real. I like the later seasons of BMW better and I'm super stoked to get the DVDs! I remember my favorite episode was always the Halloween one when they were in night detention or something.. "They killed Kenny!" ahahaha I love this show. And Shawn's a hottie.

mmmmmmmm oh my god. There's no better way to ease your conscious while eating mounds of fattening ice cream and whipped cream than by adding some healthy bananas. So delish, like my second favorite dessert! (You shall find out my first favorite next time.)

closets

i entertain my thoughts sometimes by thinking about what people do when no one else is around. i mean, i'd never want anyone to tell me about them though. that'd ruin it. but what i mean is.. like in all those tv shows where the plot of the episode is the kids break into their teacher's house for whatever reason, and they find the teacher doing the oddest things or they have the oddest possessions. like, are people really like that? it's totally possible.. i kind of have my own share of it, i suppose.

hmm anyways.. public enemies on wednesday! :)) oh johnny. ohhhh johnnyyyyy it's been too long. and my sister's keeper sometime this week with my mommy and half-blood prince in just about two weeks! i'm thinking i might take sariah instead of ty for the midnight show.. =/ i'm thinking that the timer's about to go off for he and i.. we both know there's an expiration date. but i'll give it a few more shots.

---


prettiest girls! prettiest freakin girls! oh i'm all about zooey atm
yes man = yes. yes yes yes.




oh bonnie <3

GOD YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY

isn't it great when every cheesy pop song that comes on the radio completely describes your life and those are the songs that end up breaking you down?


"here we go again" by demi lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart, and ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie cause I break down,
Everytime you come around

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say,
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye, but it’s no use
Can’t feel with or without you

Oh Oh

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, go again
Again, and again and again and again and again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart

Oh Oh (Oh Oh)

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better in trying to let you go
Cause here we go, go, go again (again)
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again

hey now

i really need to start writing some productive blogs. let's go.

i'm conflicted in and of my relationship status. i've always been kind of stupid about that "top friend" shit on myspace and facebook? #4 was kind of odd at first but then i was like whatever. but 6? really, 6? am i jealous and paranoid or is that just how it goes? for being the one person who is willing to listen to your shit practically every day..
he's looking into how to make our relationship work during college, but he hasn't fucking kissed me yet!? (i use question marks when i'm really not supposed to) part of me doesn't even want him to anymore. ok now i'm just getting angry. should go to bed..

i'll have a heartbreaking work of staggering genius finished tomorrow. i wanted to finish tonight but i'm unexpectedly tired. i'm desperately hoping the last 20 pages will have a point. maybe i'll write a review. i sit on amazon for whithering hours reading reviews of books but i never write my own. i probably won't.

A:

i came across a blog once where the author made lists of things she liked that start with every letter of the alphabet. so basically i'm ripping her off because it's been a good cure for boredom and kind of fun to think about.


things I like that start with A:

a capella music, acoustic guitar, acting, adrenalin, Aerosmith, airports, Alan Rickman, alcohol, alpacas, America's Next Top Model, androgyny, Animal Farm, animals, Ansel Adams, apartments, AP magazine, apple cider, Aragorn son of Arathorn, art, art galleries, art history, astronomy, attending plays, Audrey Hepburn, Avenue Q

How could you not love this man?! First of all he plays my favorite character in the history of literature... and he does it magnificently. I think the decision to cast Alan as Snape was just so brilliant. He's also in two of my other favorite movies, Love Actually and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I do admit his voice never changes in any of his characters but who the heck would want him to?! He's known for his amazing voice that can be the most versatile piece of material without changing a pitch. Alan Rickman's always been one of my faaaaavoritee actors.

And I just freaking love alpacas. It's true, I had an alpaca calendar like four years back. They just have the sweetest little faces and move so cute. awwww