dandelions

k... i decided i never want to be somebody's baby. i want to be their girl. i don't ever want to define myself by another person again. if i'm their baby..that ties me right to them. but if i'm their girl..i'm still my own girl, but i just belong to them. in a safe way. not an owning way. i'm so scared i'll fall back into that. what makes me think about boys so much lately? i feel kind of pathetic. but at the same time, when girls talk to me about their boyfriends and stuff, and they're all "my boyfriend sent me this cute text and i can't wait to see him this weekend" and what not, i used to get super jealous. i'd think "aw so cute i wish i had that." but now when i hear that, i'm just like... "heh... cute." but i could really care less. it's really strange.



ANYWAY. we're having the first writer's right meeting of the year tomorrow! LUL. it makes me kind of sad because i really wanted to be president for the whole year, but i guess the point is that we're doing it. i'm doing the literary magazine so it's all good. but i feel like i should write something new before the meeting so here goes...



laughter shatters into ten thousand pieces, each embodying a tiny memory that floats away like the precious petals of dandelions in spring. others dismiss their frail posture and weightlessness, seeing only art upon the bottom of their tennis shoes. but i've always thought them such wondrous things, full of air and oxygen; a million breaths of light parachuting the whole masterpiece toward the sky. we untie the strings from our fingers and let our memories ascend to the clouds like 99 red balloons. and joy rattles our bones, forgetting everything. we're blank and it's like we've just met each other again. i don't know your name but i know i loved you once. i don't know your birthday but i know what wine you drink. goodbye, beautiful stranger. may the daylight bring you as much peace as the sun will allow, because that's where you and i will rest, while we all journey on through seperate maps, compasses pointed north, the wind offering nothing but the scent of dandelions and a small gust of "you're on your own."

sick, have been doing nothing for days

list of things i aim to do in college:

- join student concil and get very involved, hopefully i can be a campus rep in a few years :)
- make brand new friends with all my roommates and classmates
- stay in touch with SUU friends and visit frequently, especially to tyson's concerts and parades
- work and make $$$ and try to save most of it
- party without getting caught C:

all i could take

i just decided that if i were to ever be sat down and told that i had super-human powers,
that i could bend matter to my will,
that i could turn the hands of time with my own,
that i could do anything inhumanly and unscientifically possible,
i would go back in time and freeze the moment that we danced together,
until i'd taken in all i could take,
until i felt it was all in place.
i'd put everything in its place.

i think i'm finally going to write a legit comic. legendary!

excitement :)

this week is going to be amazing!

mon- dress rehearsel and FINALLY finishing my merit diploma shit, that's a load off my damn shoulders
tues- getting out of science thank jesus and performing for the school eeeee
wed- SUU writer's conference (no class)
thurs- region dramaaaaaa (no class)
fri- easy art day :)

i definitely need a break.





also, mom says if i can't get a job in cedar by may or june, she'll let me move to st. george for the summer and work there! ahhhh that is so exciting! i would absolutely love to spend summer in the city, meeting new people, making money, and wearing tank tops in the heat. the city is just where i belong. and st. george isn't even THAT big... but i love it there.
i can't believe there's only two more months exactly until i'm done with high school forever and i can finally move on.
also, i hope i get this $1000 scholarship because then i'll only have to come up with $500 to pay for my school this year. my parents will probably pay for it but hell, i could make that with a summer job... and they'd love me.

yeah, i'm pretty much just writing down all my rambling thoughts.
I'M JUST SO EXCITED. i'm sure it's permeating through my every pore.









and i just got an email that says i get 10% off from UO just for reviewing items, and i was planning on ordering from there later today. life just loves me right now.

and they reatomized your molecular DNA...

this is my favorite part of being in a play: that last week, especially those last few days, before the first performance. the air is so high with adrenalin and intensity. i love acting because it doesn't make me nervous. with singing, before a solo or duet or audition, i become a plethora of nerves. speaking in class to read papers and stuff usually shakes my voice and i get nervous. but i dunno, before a play.. it's just this group of people together, and we build up our energy together and say "let's do this!" and give it our all. i don't stumble over any of my words. i love this one-act because it's just six of us. the fact that we're all such great actors and that it's SUCH a great play, makes it great! i'm extremely glad i finally gave in to my lure to drama.

i also gave into lydia. the few songs i've heard, his voice just really bugged me because it sounded fake. but in the few more that i've heard, it's blown me away. so, idk. they're on my list now i guess.

life has been kind to me for now.
:)

secrets

i have this big folder of post secrets that i have saved. and looking through them...just makes me break into tears. these ones i still feel.














so many of these secrets and others have come very close to mirroring my own secrets.. but if i were to send one in myself, which i really need to do, this is what it would be:
"i thought i was falling in love...
but i was falling through a trap door."




today was truly a good day. i think we really need to stop and evaluate how we spend our days more often... today i got a rush of nerves, sang, finally hugged and silently forgave tyson (though i still plan on a verbal acceptance), talked with some people i don't usually talk with, finally bought some wayfarers!, worked out, showered, and finished all my homework. now i'm going to soak my feet in hot water and read watchmen for the rest of the night because that just sounds really nice.

xo

i looooooove choir

i really can't wait to join a choral group at dixie. i mean, i love high school choir for memories sake. it's great to watch people grow... (here comes the wallflower in me) there's a football player in my grade who just joined choir this year, and goddamn he's amazing! and i think he knows it. it seems as if he gradually started to realize that choir is really fun and rewarding and he now takes it very seriously and was super stoked today at solo/ensemble when his group got a 1. things like that always just make me so happy.

and i think one of the songs we're doing for large group this year is my favorite i've ever done in high school. this version is SSAA but we're doing SATB.. i never thought we could pull off an a cappella song like this but we're doing so well.

http://www.jwpepper.com/sheet-music/mp3player.jsp?song_url=3283322.mp3&song_title=PRAYER OF THE CHILDREN&filename=/dbload/C/C_3032307.xml

i really hope i get into the audition-required choir at dixie. i think i have a good choral voice... maybe not a great solo voice, but i think i'm a good addition to a choir. i'm trying to be more loving to myself, is it working? i'm forgiving everyone and myself, and i'm trying to be nicer and reach out to people more. also i'm trying not to let the horrid people get to me.. i just truly don't understand purely mean people. i'm trying to just ignore them, because if you fight, you're just feeding their idealism that the world revolves around them. i'm just trying to be healthier all around, which ties into my new obsession:



seriously, it's amazing! i'm going to get so fit!

like a secret in your throat

it amazes me how often i write in this. i suppose it'll serve for great purpose and entertainment in a few years. i've grown to enjoy writing down all these tiny little things that i normally would never recall.


so i came across this really.. amazing ff last night. you never hear me say that. it just.. the whole concept... wow. it both made me think and made me feel. i think those key elements have to work in synergy in order to produce good literature.

http://silentdescant.livejournal.com/255753.html

i'm going through an MCR phase.. i mean, well, they're my favorite band so i guess i'm always in such a phase, but there's always periods of time when i can't stop listening to them. i think i blame this one on desolation row. tomorrow i'm starting a painting that i have a pretty neat idea for that's my chem-related. it's long over due and i like making my own kind of band "posters" to put on my walls. it's pretty fun and costs nothing.



i took peekchurrs today
for being my first endevour of photography outside of my own home, i'm quite proud of them, to be honest.








oh and did i ever mention that i'm moving to the glorious desert rain? i knew it was calling to me.

my love doesn't go free

well, so, i mean, i've already come to the conclusion that i'm done with men. or, well, i guess i'm done with boys because those are the only kinds of people i have ever dated. they were all undoubtedly immature. i've been thinking...that of all of my ex-boyfriends, there was always something about every one of them that i really did not like from the very start, and i was clearly conscious of all of it. with my first boyfriend, he was super clingy from the moment i met him. number two never made an effort to see me unless it was to make out in the auditorium. number three lived 2000 miles away, enough said. number four was completely emotionally unstable in and of himself and had no possible way of caring for both himself and myself. so... i've decided that if i meet a really really ridiculously good-looking guy that seems to be into me, but if i feel that something is wrong as quick as i always have... then i will not pursue anything. no matter how really really ridiculously good-looking he is, he has to be my prince charming. so i guess i'm not shutting down relationships altogether.. i just am going to be so much more careful. i'm sick of being hurt, regretting relationships, and wasting so much time. and yes, he has to be really really ridiculously good-looking or i'm not bothering with anything.
:)
that entails great style, great hair, great taste in music, books, and movies, smooth talking, the mastering of a sexy instrument, and anything else you deem necessary. the fucking works. don't forget it, jamie. you deserve your fucking greasy-haired prince charming that you've dreamed about since middle school. mikey makes a great example.



i don't know how all of this will go over in college, but i'll try to stick to my guns.



i'm not in love,
this is not your song.
i'm not gonna waste these words
about a boy.
to be loved, to be loved,
what more could you ask for?

i love rock n' roll

music was once my passion. i KNEW i wanted my future career to involve music, whether it be performing or managing or journaling for a music magazine.. there was just no question about it; the feeling was visceral. but my passion soon swerved toward writing and then art... and tonight i've got that same feeling back for music. i don't know where my future's headed. but i'm so excited for it.

i wonder where my favorite band will be in 15 years.




another thought i've had today is that if my friends, such as alysha and tyson, can't be supportive of my decisions of what to do after high school, then they're not really friends that i should worry about it over. they're exactly the kind of people that i need to leave behind. i don't mean permanently; i still love them.. but there's definitely a lot of empty space in my life that needs to be filled with some positive energy. i need to meet some brand new people that can fill that.




lastly i got these sweet glasses for the one-act. i don't know if it will push my costume over the edge, but whatever. if it does, i can paint them black and maybe kristin can use them. and if not even that, i still think they're pretty much the cat's meow.





RETRACTIONS:

to last night's post: i didn't regain my energy back until this morning. all night, i couldn't walk without passing out. tramatic!

to march 11th's post: i overheard the cheerleading advisor's phone conversation in the office, and she was asking someone what one of the chubbier cheerleaders' jacket size was (yeah we have chubby cheerleaders) and it was an extra large. and, well, that girl is chubby, but definitely not one to be described as EXTRA LARGE. i mean, i don't know if this is getting through and i hate when i feel like i haven't even convinced myself. so... if i were to hear that someone was a "large" person, i'd picture someone that is overweight. "EXTRA LARGE" would then signify someone around double that size, which is a very big person. this cheerleader is not that big. i rest my case.

my first experience of giving blood

i was really really scared!

i got especially scared when i started to watch everyone else doing it. i put in my earphones because i knew i would just want it to be over as fast as possible. having the needle put in and all that wasn't bad for a few minutes. it was really strange; i looked at my right hand and it was all swollen, almost black. and then about halfway through, i started to breathe really hard, and i couldn't pump the squishy thing anymore, and the room started to spin. a nice man came over and let me throw up in a plastic bag. i was white as a ghost afterward, but they got a full unit of my blood which makes me happy :)

oh and i got second place at the talent show. i wish i had entered something in english too but.. i'm such a slacker. you'd think by senior year you'd be all mature and able to take care of getting things done on time but. no. it's not like that at all.
but pft $15 dude.


---


180:
- mrs. chamberlain upsets me whenever i talk to her. from a distance she always seems like such a nice lady but in her office she makes you fucking feel like shit! how very counselor-y. i'm sick of adults telling me what to do.


- you CAN'T pretend everything's ok. that's not fair. you said you'd wait while i have time to think, meaning i'm still quite upset with you. and i've also found out i can't take advice from anyone but myself.

there's a lot of heartbreak going around

is it some kind of strange narcissistic thing that makes me feel sort of overjoyed that i wear size small tops? like, i've always been a medium. but today i bought a lot of smalls that fit a lot better. i was thinking today.. they couldn't think of anything better than "small, medium, and large"? starbucks has it right. i mean, some girls that have to buy x-larges, i would not call them "extra large" girls. i mean, they're probably pretty overweight but damn would it be discouraging to know that you're "extra large." and like, i don't really think that i am a small girl. i'm short but not really small. but that's probably just my insecurities talking; i guess some would beg to differ; blake always says how tiny i am. over the past few years, i've become increasingly more aware of my body. every day it takes me half an hour to put together an outfit, most of it spent just looking in the mirror, and i think i'm always much too conscious of my posture than any person should be... i should really just loosen up.



i guess on that note, i've almost gained my appetite back today. maybe that means i'm done being depressed? in mrs. harris' room, my eyes wandered upon one of those laminated inspirational signs and it said, "you're never as strong as you are as when you forgive." maybe i really do just have to forgive and forget.

i've hung up my guns

i'm playing the victim card



because i am the victim here



and you're the villain










i don't love you like i did yesterday,
and i don't know if i ever will.


---



i cried myself to sleep last night around nine, and woke up around two.. thinking "what the hell is going on? how did i let that happen? what's going to happen now?" and perhaps signifying and realizing that there were no answers, i just sat in the quiet pitch blackness and fell back asleep. i guess it really is easier to forgive than to forget. i never really knew before.

he must be schizophrenic. i don't understand how someone can be so cruel and then so kind by the flip of a coin.


all i know is i've never been so hurt before in my life... i feel so embarassed, angry, deceived, sad, betrayed, and just so so hurt. but i'm NOT heartbroken. just thinking of how everything he ever said to me was a lie... i was just tricked. my love was a mirage. well, you can put your cards away..

i just need advice
input
a "what would you do in this situation?" survey


i get such bad headaches when i cry for too long... and when i'm sad i get all cold and shiver and lose my appetite like i'm sick or something. i'd rather be sick. this is one of the worst feelings in the world.

now i long for yesterday

WATCHMEN IS FUCKING AMAZING


you're making this SO easy for me, you know that? please just get over your fucking self.


yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though they're here to stay
oh i believe in yesterday
suddenly i'm not half the man i used to be
there's a shadow hanging over me
oh yesterday came suddenly





this is the background of my big color experiment
it reads left to right
it symbolizes transition from a gloomy, sad place (dark purple) that endured a couple loud angry fights (red), and yet there's a subdued peacefulness and truth (blues)
TO a place of mostly greens, the traditional color of peace and harmony, where there is also newfound happiness (yellow)
i'll post when it's totally finito
fin






xo

my life is definitely changing

no doubt about it!

i got a $6000 scholarship to dixie! i got my apartment! i'm going to get a 4.0 this quarter! i feel successful!

almost every time the phone rings nowadays it's for me. mostly the air force, the marine core, the national guard... it's actually funny how i will say "well actually, i'm an artist" and the conversation quickly ends. haha.

---


i'm finally letting my soul out on canvas.. my 24"x36" soul
i'm experimenting with color meaning
i'm experimenting with letting go

stilettos

i have a lot of random thoughts today:


it really bugs me that how in mascara commercials, the models wear fake eyelashes. i mean, we commonpeople use mascara and i've never came across one that could flip my lashes to my eyebrows. if there is one, do let me know, but in the meantime i'm not putting on fake eyelashes for everyday wear.. i do want to try them out one day though.

i'm kind of sick of feeling dirty all the time. i'm going to start showering every day. should i divulge that? fuck yeah i can, this is my journal!

and is it just me or are the weeks going by sooo fast... before i know it it's friday, and before i know it it's friday again.. soon the "fridays" will all just go away forever. no more waiting for the bell at 2:35 on friday, no more midnight movies at cinema 8 on friday... damn, high school is such a blast.

goodbye juvenile hall

spreading our wings after four long years
life takes a turn by a single swing
and as sounds fall silent to reluctant ears
our swan song still cries and rings

east seems so far from where we've been
but we'll set flight together
and in the dust of unfamiliar wind
we'll say goodbye in a flock of feathers

i'm free as a bird now

i went to cary z's birthday for about half an hour. i danced with tyson to free bird :) i spell his name like that, because his name is spelled so oddly (but awesomely) that if you google search just his first name, everything that comes up is about him, and this would too. and yeah i guess i'm that paranoid. i mean, everything in this blog is almost about him.. but i'll try to change that. anyway we danced and it was nice and if i could i would've had it last forever blah blah blah.. now that's out.

i can't believe she's 30! she acts like she's 15 haha! i really hope that when i'm that age, i will be that free. i hope for a lot of things by the time i'm 30.. during my 20s, i want to explore myself and the world, and of course i want to do that all my life, but i really hope by 30, i will know what my real passion is in life so i can pursue it.


i'm not at school.. yay menstruation :)



oh i wish so badly i lived in [southern] california..
i know that's kind of cliche but it's just so....... goddamn
if someone had never been there they'd be like "no, those photos are exaggerated, it's not really like that." but no, really. being in california is like being in a photograph. to me.