oh if anyone read this

it all shouldn't hurt this much. was i ever in love? it's like sand through your fingertips.. it's so warm and the feel is so unlike any other and you're so sure of it at the time, but once it all sifts through, you forget every single sensation. i can't remember now.
my tears feel so much different when my skin is clean.

i HATE being sad for no reason. i HATE it. i HATE being a cancer. i HATE how my sinuses get all torn down and shaken up whenever anybody confronts me about ANYTHING, especially when their intentions aren't even to hurt me. i HATE how out of literally nowhere the word "suicide" races through my brain. like a marquee at a carnival. no one notices it but me. is it built inside of me? is it my instinct? what exactly did the world corrupt me with five and a half years ago? what toxin did i breathe in, from what science fiction book? why couldn't have anyone stopped me? why did the first song that i ever heard have to be the one that tore me down? why did no one hear it but me? why did no one hear me?

this sounds so shallow and pointless but i'll say it anyway: i am so unattractive. i feel it will always hold me back in life.

also am i destined to work a 9-5 desk job for corporate america? wait do i believe in destiny? ...

i don't know what i believe
and i hardly think i ever will.
i'd LOVE to believe in myself. for more than two seconds, two hours, or two days, i'd LOVE to think i have a future. i'd LOVE for that feeling to last. but it never does. there's always a time constriction. i'd LOVE to love myself and be loved. (again?) i'm so scared of everything. what's a life lived in nothing but fear? suicide? why SHOULD i believe in myself when every little reflection i see, every little word i hear pulls me from top to bottom..

life could be grand if i had never made so many mistakes.



i secretly really, really wish i would be diagnosed with cancer/other terminal illness.
that makes me truly fucked up.