jealousy, turning saints into the sea

it was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss...

now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go...

i hardly have any time to blog anymore, but there is too much inside me to keep in... i'm beyond confused. beyond befuddled. beyond scared. the truth is i can keep telling myself and him that "I'M NOT THAT GIRL" but maybe i really am that girl. maybe i'm reading way too far into it. maybe you should STOP SENDING ME MIXED SIGNALS?! i've been pretty straightforward haven't i? i was really drunk but "i really like you" means just that. it doesn't mean "i want to be your seventh girlfriend." you said you liked me too. i asked you if i was just girl of the week and you said no. do i really have to ask again? what the hell is all this. how did everything get so muddled up. i've known you for three weeks, i don't know if i can trust you yet. you've told me to trust you and not to trust you. give me something to work with. why would you want to meet my roommates or want me to sleep in your bed every goddamn night or kiss me in public or hold my hand if i'm just a number? surely you can pick a better number. don't tell me it's ok. your charm is toxic. i'm leading myself straight into the punchline of this cruel joke. when you stare so intently in my eyes is that just another trick up your sleeve or is it real? when you hold my hand are you just pulling me where you want me or is it real?

i just can't look, it's killing me.