i am really, really, really, seriously done with my family. this has been my worst christmas ever.

merry christmas, i could care less.

the time has come.

yeah it's not even christmas yet, but since i'm not really having a christmas, i'm jumping to new year's.

new year's resolutions:

1. lose 10 pounds, OR until tummy is gone. i am doing this by means of working out at least five nights a week and eating nothing but special k, water, and fruits and veggies. this is going to be extra difficult whilst my boyfriend is trying to GAIN weight and is eating five meals a day. grr. but seriously now. this is the time to get this taken care of. i have a feeling i'm going to be moving somewhere exciting next year, and my weight is the last thing i want to be worrying about. being comfortable in my skin will ease the process of taking some uncomfortable leaps in life.

2. be happier, and go where life takes me. i feel like i'm stuck in this limbo in my life right now, where nothing is really quite right. i'm not entirely happy here. and if i have the chance to go somewhere new, do something new, try something new.. i'm gonna do it. i'm really serious about this. my mother's double standard about me going to college and letting my brother drop out is pretty unacceptable in my mind.

3. hang out with my roommates more. yeah, i have absolutely no way of relating to them whatsoever, but i can try. along with the 'be happier' part above, this should fall into place as well.

4. don't let my boyfriend rule my life so much. i'm such a relationship-driven person that i don't mind a bit that i spend all of my time with him. i know that we're absolutely perfect for each other and that we're going to be together for a long time. but in the back of my mind, i know it's not entirely healthy. i've been kind of deprived of the alone time that i was so accustomed to back at home. (but that's just college, i guess.) but i need to be doing other things, going places with other people.

5. change things up. i don't think this really counts as a resolution, but, at the dawn of the new year, i'm going to change some things. one thing being my wardrobe. my closet is so small in the first place that i need to rid of the things that look awful on me, or are just really old, or hold bad memories.. or whatever. i'm going to start reading more books again, and basically just keep myself on my toes. i think that's pretty important.


i have a feeling 2010 is gonna be a good year ;)

a solid soul and the blood i bleed

it's been a nice day! (: i got more presents, and i bought presents!


kayshia lyn gave me a lovely new green blanket and ryan bought me a bear at the hallmark store! hehe i love stuffed animals :} it's been so long since i've had a legit one. kristal also gave me a mug and socks yesterday :}

and this is what i bought for each of my roommates.



i also saw geri at target, which is always happy because she is the prettiest girl i know.

yay christmas time!

i don't know when, but a day is gonna come.

today i dreamed and daydreamed
though to them it seems a scheme,
i wondered if we all think different,
how one can bear a fraction of a dream.

i just see life in a larger scope,
and it kind of makes me want to cry,
knwoing they're ok with letting that die.
i think i'll find some other way,
something else to sacrifice.

'cause there's so many things i want to see,
and touch and find and do,
and such a thing, to know that's not the truth.

but i refuse, i guess
i refuse all i've been told.
because i never read of anguished lives,
just stories of dreams made whole.
and i don't want to be a number,
that number that grows every day,
of souls unknowingly dying
by giving up, and walking away.

best weekend in a while.

saturday night was so lovely!


we ate calamari, which i adore.


and i tried veal for the first time, which i'm pretty fond of.




and ryan bought us wine to take home :)



then last night we went to applebee's per uzj and ryan got drunk.




he looks pretty snazzy in the $8 target scarf i bought him :)
speaking of which, he got me the most thoughtful christmas presents. he gave me my Glee CD early a couple weeks ago because i was really upset one night, and he knew it would put a smile on my face. <3. and on saturday he gave me Pump by Aerosmith, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and this limited edition of The Wild Things by Dave Eggers.


we both know how i'm not really the biggest fan of Dave Eggers, but i'm excited to read this. and if i do hate it as much as i hated A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, well... it's a fucking furry book! i love it. it's my very own Monster Book of Monsters.

anyway after dinner last night we went to creed's and laughed a lot. then came home and snuggled all night.

i came to find out i don't have an integrated studies final today. now i only have math final tomorrow night, art critique on wednesday, english final on thursday, and history final on friday. and sunday i'm off to disney! :))
(oh and i'm getting my money back this week, thank goodness. let me once again put in a truly awful word for paypal. in their email telling me my case was won, they didn't even say "sorry for the inconvenience" or anything; almost as if peoples' money just disappeared all the time, no big deal ...haha.)

THE ANGER

this has been the worst-possible, god-awful, absolutely terrible, most horrible week of my life.

it started out okay, i guess.
but the past few days.. my god.

1. i got robbed of $113 through my fucking paypal account. that's half my fucking money, and there's a chance that i won't even get it back. i'm canceling my fucking paypal account after it's all done. ebay isn't worth it.
2. i was running late to class this morning and was in a hurry and backed into my roommate's car. hers is okay thank god but my car looks even more trashy now.
3. i have a fucking 69.44% in math. i need a 70% to pass the class or else i'll have to do it all the fuck over again. all i have left to do is the final exam, and i think i can bring it up that little bit, but if i don't, i'm going to be livid. i might just quit school. it makes me so angry.

and amidst everything else i have to do this weekend:

1. five or six retarded things for integrated studies.
2. five or six more sketches and one more entire final drawing project i haven't started.
3. so much math studying.
4. and start history studying.

ugh i don't even know what to do. i wish there was something i could do get all of this off my mind but there's nothing. maybe i'll just go to barnes & noble for the night and read and keep my mind off things before this horrible weekend ensues.



/end complaining. this isn't helping my trying to be a more optimistic, happy person whatsoever. one thing to be happy about:

1. i think i'm losing weight from the stress.

l a z y .

today i sit in my bedroom in the dark.
i only wear a white tank top and ryan's orange underwear.
i find it pretty classy. this is all i'm going to wear in the summer when we live together.
i listen to the hives and take way too many pictures of myself.
fucking wednesdays.
so peaceful.

i think i'm growing fond of winter

as long as there are no massive snowstorms preventing me from driving anywhere, i think winter's kind of okay. it kind of feels like we're all just bears and we all fall half-asleep for four months. i feel so groggy all the time. but it gives me a good excuse to stay on the couch and drink lotsssssss of coffee and watch movies and cuddle with the boyfriend. i like feeling nice and bundled up and warm. i guess all it took was getting over my stubbornness and learning how to dress warm haha (: i'll demonstrate that now by going outside to check the mail ONCE AGAIN. so anxious.

eeee!

HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!!! :D fucking hardcore edition!!! so excited for this!



if only i had a big amazing TV and a blu-ray player :( when we move, i guess.

also, i wish ryan's gifts would come in the mail soon :( i can't wait to see his cute face light up!

it's getting better.

it's getting better!

finals in a week. i only have four. it's not going to be horrible. english will be a breeze. math may be tough. history may be tough. and i might just end up failing integrated studies. it's ok, doesn't matter.

the next week will kind of be hell, but after that life's going to get amazing! christmas with ryan, then off to disney world for christmas with the family, then new year's with ryan (eeee!!) and then like two more weeks of freedom. then, i'm auditioning for tuacahn in early february :} yay.

and YAY new hair! i suppose it was worth the $185. none of my stylists in cedar city ever managed to get my bangs or layers looking this good. however, i am just waiting for someone to tell me i look like alice cullen.



and THIS is my new favorite place in all of st. george!!



we got them to serve coffee in mugs! i honestly feel like i'm not in st. george anymore while i'm inside that place. wondrous escape. i can't wait to live in a real city.

note to self: stock up on plaid shirts.

edit: NO! save money, dumbass..

so little time

my emotions have two options right now:
liberation
or depression.
right now i'm stuck on the latter, but there's a little sliver inside of me that's saying the former will soon arrive. this feeling that i have no idea what's going on is so fucking scary. but it's also complete liberation, i guess. in what could be less than a month, i could be anywhere, doing anything. i could be genuinely thrilled, or i could be even more horribly depressed.

so many options:
1. move to a new apartment at red sands. take the risk of having even worse roommates, but still, get away from my psycho ones.
2. move in with ryan and his parents for the time being. bold move, i wouldn't be sure how to go about that.
3. find a completely new student apartment. would be really difficult to achieve in so little time.
4. sell my contract, quit school, and move to portland with ryan right now.

i'm so unhappy here. i'd be happy if i had my own apartment in a nice city with ryan and found a job and worked full time. college is not making me happy whatsoever. it's wasting my time, really. time that i'm trying really desperately to preserve and use to my advantage.