the same subject as every other blog right now

i am terrified of the swine flu! i really am. people joke about it and even i do lightly, but it fucking freaks me out. blake and i agree that if the human race were to ever really go extinct, it would probably be because of a pandemic. it's just such a scary thought - humans dropping like house flies. overdramatic, yes, but also - possible, yes. probable? dunno.

i'm just scared. there was just the first confirmed case in northern utah, and i'm going up there tomorrow =///

but what an ego boost for george orwell it would be to find that pigs are the source of the annihilation of the planet hahah! he'd not only be the master of symbolism and allegory but also foreshadowing!




today i learned:
- all about robert frost's poems "fire and ice" and "home burial"
- all about austin's play "cloud nine," which i can say was the first play i watched entirely through a curtain
- what exactly is inside the pellet that an owl regurgitates daily: tiny bones and fur of consumed animals, probably the grossest thing we ever did in environmental science
- about feminism at hogwarts - lord voldemort is to bellatrix as dumbledore is to mcgonagall as harry is to hermione


good stuff.

hmm

people change drastically
she's not the she i used to wish to be
and you're not the you i once so surely knew
people change like decades,
and all i can do is remember

saturdays

i'm a strong believe of the fact that you learn a whole plethora of new things every single day. so i had this idea that it would be really cool to write down a few things that i could say that i had learned by the end of every day.

today i learned:
- how to play resident evil IV (i haven't played a shooting/fighting/violent game since i was like 7) (and that it is very awesome btw)
- that my mother's friend saw australia twice in theaters, while i couldn't get through half of it
- that there are FOUR charlie the unicorns, and the second is very lame, so i assumed 3 and 4 were as well
- a few new lazytown songs :D





my motivation for school as of late is quite skewed. i am really quite motivated in the idea of GOING to school. but doing work and staying attentive in class is another thing.
oh well.
that's all that's been on my mind lately.

if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

life is SO good right now. like... AERG HE;AOG
well, i guess more the anticipation is what feels so good.

and i was going to write about... something... but blake interrupted my train of thought, so here's my newest thought: smashing pumpkins is (are?) officially one of my favorite bands, srs.


and this week, what i want to be when i grow up is a costume designer, for either theater or the movie industry. i mean, srsly, why didn't i think of it sooner? i love clothes, i'm an artist and an actress, it'd be an exciting hands-on job, and i just love theater and film.

i'm actually renewing my love for film. i've got it planned out that while i live in st. george, i'll rent a couple movies every single week. maybe make it a weekly night in with my roommates. i really hope we become bffs. 22 more school days until i graaaaduateeee dawwwwwgggggggg. do i mention that in every single post on here? yeah probably.


and retraction to last post: i LOVE teh gayz. 70% of my friends are not straight. i mean no offense to themz. <3

o.O

i am a total lesbian. not for realz but here's the thing. i don't understand lesbians, and i guess not gay men either. if you are attracted to girls, you're attracted to... girls. they're feminine nature and attitude. so why do lesbians butch themselves up? i am not attracted to girls like that. (and i'm not one that denies that physical attraction is the foundation of utter attraction.) i only ever find myself attracted to girls that are very pretty and girly to put it simply. it's just like how i'm attracted to guys; i'm not drawn to the ones that don't put off masculine qualities. i really think society would be even more accepting to homosexuals (i do know that only a small portion aren't anymore) if they were just themselves. i just don't support the whole opposite gender role that the majority of them feel they need to play. i know that they do it so that other homosexuals WILL know that they're homosexual as well, and ergo they will have some chance of finding a partner. but i hope that one day, sexual orientation will be completely liberated - that people could just simply ask if one is gay, straight, or bi, and the world would think nothing of it. i really think we'll get there someday. maybe not even in my lifetime but i do think so. so, in short, i highly doubt i'll ever be in a relationship with a girl that i'm attracted to because it would be extremely difficult to find out if she is interested in girls as well because she wouldn't fit the "lesbian" physical stereotype.

but you never know.

and i don't even call myself bi, because simply because i don't look like a lesbian, i am positive that i'd get the whole "you're only doing it for attention" thing. so i'll just keep it all to myself and close friends until a girl comes along that really grabs my attention and portrays any chance of anything happening.




anyway.


state was fun. it sounds really lame and a bit superficial but i feel accepted in my class now. by the people that i always wanted to be accepted by, at least. i've heard that that's what happens during senior year, i guess it's true. and on that note:




they really are quite pretty! i'm going to use my picture where i'm actually smiling but i couldn't find them atm...
once graduation practice starts, life is just gonna rock from there on out, no doubt.

and i think this needed its own post

i've had two make-out dreams in the past week. they were both with boys at school that i find extremely attractive and endearing but have no chance with, nor do i think i'd want one with. but it's just so odd when i see them the next day. but also funny. i couldn't take my eyes off boy #1 but then i avoided looking at boy #2 at all costs. i've had many dreams about boy #2. for a couple years actually. i might even go as far as to say that he's the most attractive boy at the school in my eyes. we haven't said many words to each other but from the ones that we have exchanged, i think he returns the "endearing" trait to me. from afar, i always think "wow he is way too good for me." but when it's just us, it's this strange energy that is created between us when one of us speaks. and what's great about it is that no matter if i'm right or wrong, it's fun to think that i will never know and he will never know and that nothing will ever screw up or would-be romance. it's like that how i met your mother episode in season 1. nothing can ever screw up our love, as long as we leave it at this.

(i'm extremely glad i wrote this. i understand my relationship with him a lot better now :D)

re thinking

so i plan on doing a vlog on how much i respect miley cyrus. the hannah montana movie was just SOO GOOD! it just made me think of the hilarious "hate videos" that i've watched on youtube about hannah montana that are just so utterly pointless and not well thought out at all.

"that movie was so good. i'm not ashamed!"


let's start smiling again, ok jamie?
you do so much to bring yourself down and not enough to make you smile. but you know how. i know it's hard getting out of bed so many times but it's worth it at the end of the day, i promise.

by the way, how come my hair always looks good at the end of the day but never at the beginning? it is just so frustrating, dawg



i like this picture of me. weird? it's not glamorous but i look grown up. not that i really want to grow up... sigh constant contradiction..


--
OH and SOOO excited for pastapalooza and state drama dude!

fuck i'm almost done with all of this. i'm on the fence about that. but i've got awful balance; i'll tumble one way soon.




oh and... (i've got so much to write down today):
today i just stopped and watched you and realized - you look very, very happy. i gave up some little part of my own happiness to see you just like this. so do not go back to that place... i won't ever take you there again, only in my mind, and only to visit, not to build. like a pretty little town that is just fine the way it is. it's got flaw upon flaw but that's what gives it... charm? that's just what makes it what it is. and i'm sorry for it all, i really am, but i'm never bringing it up again.



NOTE: be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

all things grow

preach electric to a microphone stand

i hate horror movies.
so so so so so so much

but goodbye negativity. fuck all that negativity. i'm going to love my life one day. i'll be honest... (not negative; honest) i don't right now. i mean, i don't have much to complain about but i don't wake up every day just loving everything around me. you know?

but one day i will.



last night i had a dream that like twelve boys were all in love with me but they were all freaks. i felt kind of bad. i mean, i obviously had that dream because i'm afraid that those are the only kind of guys that will ever like me. but.. am i really that big of a jerk?

no.. just insecure.



i really wish it were graduation already so i can get all my money. haha. i'm so excited for summer. like, not graduating, but just summer. it's strange that it took me so long to realize how awesome summer is.

oh if anyone read this

it all shouldn't hurt this much. was i ever in love? it's like sand through your fingertips.. it's so warm and the feel is so unlike any other and you're so sure of it at the time, but once it all sifts through, you forget every single sensation. i can't remember now.
my tears feel so much different when my skin is clean.

i HATE being sad for no reason. i HATE it. i HATE being a cancer. i HATE how my sinuses get all torn down and shaken up whenever anybody confronts me about ANYTHING, especially when their intentions aren't even to hurt me. i HATE how out of literally nowhere the word "suicide" races through my brain. like a marquee at a carnival. no one notices it but me. is it built inside of me? is it my instinct? what exactly did the world corrupt me with five and a half years ago? what toxin did i breathe in, from what science fiction book? why couldn't have anyone stopped me? why did the first song that i ever heard have to be the one that tore me down? why did no one hear it but me? why did no one hear me?

this sounds so shallow and pointless but i'll say it anyway: i am so unattractive. i feel it will always hold me back in life.

also am i destined to work a 9-5 desk job for corporate america? wait do i believe in destiny? ...

i don't know what i believe
and i hardly think i ever will.
i'd LOVE to believe in myself. for more than two seconds, two hours, or two days, i'd LOVE to think i have a future. i'd LOVE for that feeling to last. but it never does. there's always a time constriction. i'd LOVE to love myself and be loved. (again?) i'm so scared of everything. what's a life lived in nothing but fear? suicide? why SHOULD i believe in myself when every little reflection i see, every little word i hear pulls me from top to bottom..

life could be grand if i had never made so many mistakes.



i secretly really, really wish i would be diagnosed with cancer/other terminal illness.
that makes me truly fucked up.

why don't we go somewhere only we know

i'm much better at the piano than i was a year ago. it's quite reassuring, i suppose. i'm deciding between many pieces to do at the pop concert... it's between:

disenchanted - needs lotssss of chord work
cancer - needs fluidity
somewhere only we know - needs fluidity
samson - needs singing/playing correlation
existentialism on prom night - needs singing/playing correlation


also, my newest career proposition/idea/thought is illustrating. the thought of it scares me because it would be such a hard industry to get into but... illustrating comic books and getting bank for it? -dies-
also, i've been trying to think, "ok jamie what do you REALLY love? i don't mean the stuff that you love because it makes you seem cool or what makes people like you, but what really makes you happy in and of yourself?"
animals, music, and harry potter.

i'm applying for a job at the wizarding world of harry potter as soon as i fucking can. i also would love an internship at a famous zoo or at AP magazine. and i've always wanted to join invisible children and intern at to write love on her arms... there's so much to do with life... you see, there really IS a whole lot that i know i want to do but none of them are really careers for the long run... why are we only allowed one path to follow? i know that's not entirely true but it really seems like it is. hmmm, this has bred new thoughts...