brown eyes just look bigger

i want to be 15 pounds less.
i want big brown eyes.
i want to look good in just socks, underwear, and a tank top.
i want edgy alternative-colored hair that makes heads turn but still long and luxurious enough to make the whole world envious.

i want to stop looking in mirrors and reflections everywhere i go.

today i realized,
what the hell is stopping me?




i have the nicest boyfriend in the world. every once in a while i step back and think "no way he's mine."

i want the world to know, just as well as i do, that the smile on my face is completely pure and untouched.
i may seem like i'm much too concerned with the world,
but i feel like i'm giving it hope.

out of focus

i feel so blurry and tired. i feel like i've been getting the best sleep and worst sleep of my life. i'm scared of many things. i'm scared of being alone on christmas. literally, alone; sitting in my apartment completely by myself. i'm scared of never seeing ryan anymore once i start working. i'm scared of this research paper. i always loved english so i'm kind of reluctant to say i'll be glad when it's over, but that's how i feel. i'm scared of what i'll be doing with my life this time next year. these are all such random things, but they're kind of killing me. i hate my bedroom and my apartment and just college. i'm always making excuses to get away from all of the above. i'd rather sleep in ryan's bed than mine though it's not possible. i'd rather be anywhere than class. dixie is such a joke of a school.

and i'm really not this depressed and upset and angry, i'm actually feeling really good. but for finally being free, life could be SO much better, you know?

i'm safer than it seems

so i've been having HUGE finance stress. stressing so bad over it... how i have so little in my account, and so little income at all, and how i have a money-spending addiction, and how it seems i'll never ever got a job in my life.

well, today i realized it's okay. because in ten months, maybe seven, i'll be safe. he will save me, he will be there for me, he will love me, and yes, that's enough. that's all i could ever need.

even if we're sitting in an apartment with stark white walls and stained carpets and no room to breathe and we're starving to death in each other's arms, we will still be in each other's arms.

i feel so safe when he's next to me. i just feel complete when you're by my side. i feel a small emptiness when we can't be together. he makes me feel awake and fills me up with emotions; i feel relaxed.. excited.. anxious... happy.

:)


totally noteworthy sidenote: i tried out something i read in cosmopolitan on ryan this morning and he said "this is cool, i've never done this before" and fucking loved it. i thought all those tips were just bullshit. awesome! i love cosmo.

Cheyenne

oh she loves you, she loves you
she loves you
oh cheyenne
you marvelous thing
the way my pen writes your name
your face on my mind
I'm alone and I...
oh she could love you
so much better than him

oh she won't be gentle and kind
you angel of darkness and wit and legs
oh cheyenne
you clever thing
like swans and pearls and ice
I try to forget but I, I just fight
but now you're stuck in black and white
and oh she only wanted one night

she loves you
oh cheyenne
she loves you so much more than him

one fish, two fish

“you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

I know my life must be amazing, if i am honest-to-god living a dr. seuss quote. he is one of my biggest heroes. he says the most in the fewest words. i trust every word he says, i guess, and if he says i'm in love, i very well must be. i am completely, irrevocably in love. i don't want to fall asleep at night because feeling his arms and his scent and his skin is so much better than any dream i could make up in my head. we're real. and it kind of blows my fucking mind.






screw bella and edward and allie and noah. we are so tom and summer. like, to a effin t.

and i got jackson cannery

sometimes i wish, well, all the time, that i had my own personal photographer that followed me around everywhere, all the time, every day. and snapped pictures of everything worthy of snapping and especially the things that aren't. i think it's totally absurd that our lives are landmarked only by the pictures we take at weddings, birthdays, proms, and senior years. these are significant events but most of our significant memories are in times of no printed importance. unexpected things. unexpected places. and people.
sometimes i want to be a photographer so i have an excuse to carry around a camera and attempt to record these things. photography's gotten such a bad rep with the indie scene nowadays. it really is such a remarkable art form. i should really invest in a camera.

good morning good morning good morning

this has become my life:





screw college, imonna be a baker! seriously. i love it. it's so calming and lovely and delicious.

oh life is good... and this weekend will be beyond good. currently planning to see kym and wade on friday! and have the ptown house to myself with ryan for the night (<3) and homecoming on saturday night :} and we are going to look HOT. seriously, we're such a sexy couple. we're taking pictures. many. and i don't know how well these shoes on my feet and alcohol in my stomach is going to work out but



i am more than willing to find out xD

this was my breakfast

whilst trying to convince my roommates that i'm NOT a hippie.

lol.


i'm thinking about moving to salt lake next summer/year. i want to volunteer at the zoo, i want to get a job and make money, i want to live with ryan... but it's way too early to divulge that though, i'm thinking. one-month anniversary tomorrow though! amazing :) simply amazing. i'll never ever forget our first date/kiss/night together. all the same night.. a month ago. amazing. amazing. simply amazing.

no i definitely don't want to risk losing this sheer happiness. it's completely mine. i have never been so careful about protecting a relationship before. it's just all so perfect. i'm always sneaking glances of us in reflections. it's like looking into a wishing well. but they're really just car doors and mirrors. it's actually real.

tonight's the night. and i'm so excited C: