home is where your heart is

i'm cornered inside a house where i'm disliked.
i'm not used to that.
and i never will be.
i miss mommy never really being there but always being there.
i miss hearing "i love you" before i go to school. now i just get awkward glares.
i miss my green walls, my ocean-like bed, the snow up to my window, my mommy's christmas decorations.
i don't feel homesick, but i want to go home.

--

11th dimension; cold and; sad;

your faith has got to be greater than your fear.

what a great sort of creed.

i'm starting to think no matter how much i try to change things, things won't change. i'm considering starting to wake up at 5 in the morning every day to go to the gym but i'm also considering the doubt that it will even help. i also thought about requesting a new apartment next semester but i doubt that will help either. i've just simply discovered that roommates and i don't get along. roommates in general. i wasn't made for them; i'm not that kind of person. i find it so difficult to leave ryan's house because it's an internal comfort being in a real house with a real family. i hate leaving that to come "home" to.. i don't feel like explaining it again. another note - i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i hate college. i can't get a job. it scares me that the only good thing in my life is ryan, and the fact that that one thing is SO good, it makes my perspective hazy as to how bad everything else is. which is a good thing. i guess. but that makes me pretty dependent on him. which i want to be, because i want to be with him forever. but at the same time, i need to really get my own life organized. at least a little bit. i feel so alone right now, it's killing me.

with the smallness of paris and the eccentricity of new york

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit.
Like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there, drifting off to sleep,
drifting off to sleep.
I'll be the platform shoes; undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat, with the collar up so you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony.
Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names.
Identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare feet in this brand new colony.
This brand new colony.

you opened my eyes to

common sense


common judgement


sense



nonsense



spontaneity

reason

what's real


and what's not


and nothing was real


until two looks

and two shots later

just so tired

to put it gently, i am very very very very very very very tired.

not just from dethklok, mastodon, converge, and high on fire last night either. totally brutal. metal shows are fun.

no i'm just very very tired. in general.
i'm tired of this entire semester, i'm tired of my roommates, i'm tired of having no money, and i'm really really tired of being fat. i know that he is so small, but being ten pounds more than your boyfriend is really depressing. i'm kind of at a breaking point about it. i'm going to have to start working out like five nights a week in order to lose any weight, and i don't have the energy or time or will for that.

i hate college. it makes you tired, it makes you broke, and it makes you fat. nothing good comes of it. i'm definitely taking a year off after next fall. i really don't care what my parents say, i think 19 is a good age to break away from your homegrown responsibilities and do something for yourself.

there's this TV show called glee, and it kind of runs my life.

if only i could have the confidence of rachel berry.

she kind of inspires me. it would be a different story if she was popular and well-liked, but she's not. she is usually miserable outside of glee but once she goes on stage she's incredible and everyone likes her. unfortunately she's a fictional character so saying she inspires me is kind of silly.

part of me wants to run full-speed at my dreams. my dream job would be to be doing musical theater. as my job. all the time. i don't even want a lead role; if i could just be on stage every day for the rest of my life and go home with an okay paycheck, i'd be thrilled. and i'm at the point in my life where i should start chasing that dream - taking acting classes, voice lessons, dance lessons, etc... it's all right here within my reach right now. but my lack of confidence is what's keeping me from all of it. i don't know if i think the theater world won't like me, or if i think the dream is simply too crazy and unattainable. i know if i worked hard enough i could do it. this is something to think about.

you'll never find it if you're looking for it

it's insane how lovely it is to wake up at 6 in the morning and feel another person wake up next to you, and feel them tighten their grip around you and hear them say "i love you so much." IS there a better way you could possibly start your day? i'm so lucky, i've never felt so safe and sound at all times. i'm 18 years old and i've found what everyone goes searching for for their entire lives. it just makes everything so much easier, when everything else is so hard. i'm just so amazed. i didn't really expect to get him, and i didn't really expect him to be so amazing if i ever did. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. we just fit. we fit so perfectly.

yeah, life

i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.
'cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.
and after all, you're my wonderwall.
<3