i do i do i do

i get really teary-eyed when i think about my future wedding, and listen to my "wedding" playlist. what's better for first dance: across the universe, or wonderwall?

i don't think i can stand until valentine's day to give this to him. especially since we're moving everything into our room on saturday! :}



also, ghetto headshot!



to go for it or not to go for it? i just don't know.

i also found a new monologue for acting class that describes exactly how i feel about acting. so it's going to turn out very good. it's pretty long though =/ and i must memorize at light-speed. take luck.

"It was in the third grade, when they took us for a field trip to see Richard III in Boston. I'd never seen a live play before, and I didn't understand what was going on up there, but I could tell that there was a whole bunch of people hating each other, going to war against each other, and just plain killing each other - kind of like all the wars and murders I heard about on the news. The last hour, I was really spacing out, desperately bored and upset with it all, wanting to go back to class and just take a spelling test or draw a picture. Then finally it ended and they closed the curtain. But then - right then - they did something that I wasn't ready for. They opened the curtain again, and there was everybody who'd been running around hating each other and killing each other for the last three and a half hours - they were all up there, holding hands, smiling at each other, patting each other on the back, smiling at us, taking a nice bow, and that was when it really hit me. Hit me hard. They looked so beautiful, so peaceful and loving. Richard the Third was standing right next to the woman he'd murdered, and she was holding his hand and smiling at him as if they were about to go get something to eat together as soon as they washed off their make-up and changed their clothes. And I had that picture in my head all the way back in the bus, and I lay awake in my bed practically all that night, thinking, that's what the world needs. We need to get the U.N. to pass a resolution that on a certain Sunday, everybody in the world - the President of the United States, the head of Russia, the murderers, the bank robbers, millionaires, coal miners - will just line up and hold hands and take a bow. Dead people, too. I decided that dead people would suddenly be able to get up off the floor, walk over to the guy who killed them, and say, "Good show, good show. Ladies and gentlemen, we were only kidding. It was all a story. We really all love each other, and now we're going to change out of our costumes and have a party. You can all come too. Cake and cookies and wine, all on us!" And that's why I wanted to act: so I could do that. Whether I was playing Snow White or the stepmother, Cordelia or Lady Macbeth, I wanted people to see me get up off the floor and take my place in line, smiling and holding hands with everybody, so I could give them a taste of what it would be like if the whole fucking world could take a curtain call."

life is about to get substantially better.

all problems: solved.


goals: study harder. laugh more, now that it's possible. enjoy college.


moving in one week :D

baby and me

i love you more than earth.
and we are going to have a wonderful year on it.

i hate my roommates.

jesus and mary chain, i hate my roommates.

they spend their weekends by sitting in the dark all day and watch cheerleading movies and movies with actresses like hillary duff and selena gomez and the whole time they say, "this movie is so dumb." BUT THEY KEEP WATCHING! THEY WATCH THE WHOLE THING! oh and at times like RIGHT NOW, they sit on the couch and watch football and do the man clap when something good happens. (CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.) but thankfully since jamee left there seems to be less playing dress-up and nsync and aaron carter. i kid you not. you can't write this stuff!

and honestly, if i ever thought i would meet a 19-year-old who couldn't spell "great" or "adventure." then, what.

but what i really hate is just their attitudes. i'm not THAT judgemental as to dislike them just because of the above items. i kind of feel bad complaining about it, but.. really? ugh. i wanted SO bad to come to college and be best friends with my roommates and we would share our interests with one another. but i think it was at about the time when i was watching Network in the living room and kayla said, "i don't think i would like this. it's just like one of those movies, you know" that i realized it wouldn't work. culture clash is all it is. i suppose the only way to react is in equivalence.

true depression.

it's official.

i have a bonafide shopping addiction.

what's wrong with me? i've spent about $81 in the last three days on clothes. yes this robe is the softest most amazing thing i've ever felt and it's probably the most practical thing i've bought, but i'm pretty sure i bought those pj shorts JUST because they have penguins on them and they were on sale. and i'm pretty sure i only bought that modcloth dress this morning because it was on sale for $19 and originally $62. and then i thought "well, and i've also wanted this $15 bracelet for soooo long, i may as well add it to this order." and yesterday, i was simply bored and bought two tops at american eagle.

D: i don't even realize i'm doing this! solution: no more internet shopping for clothes. not even LOOKING. or mall browsing. or target - only for food. i'm only going to look at apartments and cameras online, because those are the things i'm really saving up for. they're the things i really need, and, apartments especially, give me inspiration and motivation.

i guess i feel really horrible because i've spent all this money and now i hardly have enough for ryan's valentine's present. but i don't know what the boy wants anyway.

i was meant for applause

i'm building a future for myself! how exciting it is to finally have settled on something!

for now i'm actively searching for a job in st. george. and depending on if/when/what job i get, i may stay here for the summer or move up to salt lake in june. if i get a job at 25 main, which i'm going to ask about next time i go in there, i'll definitely stay until early august. but then i'm going to salt lake community college for two years for baking. AND they have theater classes there too so i can take musical theater this fall! SOOOOOOO HAPPYYY!!!!!! i'm sure it won't be nearly as fun as it'd be with my professor at dixie, but i'm just excited to do musical theater again. and be on a stage.

my mom's agreed to pay $300 of me and ryan's rent each month in salt lake, so if we both have a job up there, we shouldn't have anything to worry about money-wise. and i'll be able to visit austin and alysha all the time and have friends! ohhhhhh it's going to be so much better than my current all-around situation. i'm so excited.

i was meant for derision,
nothing short of fate itself
has affected my decision.

i want to start something

two modcloth gifts came in today! my penguin mug from ryan that he was gonna give me for valentine's day but i made him give it to me cuz he's a sucker, and my secret santa gift!



that headband is magnificent in real life, and looks so good on my head! now i can search for a modcloth dress to match it :] thanks modcloth!

it's quite funny how optimistic reading cosmopolitan makes me. i simply feel like i need to take better care of myself. the past day or two i've been quite upset because

- i'm starting to feel the real pressure of deciding what to do this summer and fall.
- i could only manage to get 12 credits this semester, so if i do have to stay at dixie next year, i won't have my scholarship anymore.
- i miss my fwends in salt lake.
- i still hate living in my apartment. ryan and i were totally going to move in with creed and brittany, until i played with their new kitty and had a horrible allergic reaction.
- ryan has two jobs now which is good because A: he'll be making so much more money and B: he's cooking in the nicest restaurant in st george, which makes him happy, so i'm happy. but, it's also depressing because i'll virtually never see him except before bed and for ten minutes in the morning and because it reminds me how much fucking trouble i'm having obtaining a job myself, whilst he can just walk in and ask for one and get it.

but i'm feeling optimistic!

- the time away from ryan will help our relationship, in a way. i'm not sure i need more time alone, but i need more time to be productive, i think.
- i deep conditioned my dead, fried, black hair and it's back to its original soft silkiness :) which is actually a HUGE relief because i thought it would be dead forever from dying it black. and i'm actually really happy with it right now. the length is good.
- acting class has already totally improved my life. my professor is so legit, and my classmates aren't all total freaks. it's so fun. part of me almost wants to go back to dixie next year just so i can take musical theater from my professor. i don't really want to do theater at u of u or anything because they're way too good for me up there.
- taking 12 credits is kind of lazy, as i said, but also so amazing only having classes three days a week!
- SAN FRANCISCO and WICKED over spring break!!


gym time!

twenty ten!

so... wow. i was reading some of my old blog posts from early 2009, late 2008... and i was not happy. i claimed that i was at times, but hearing myself describe what used to make me happy is pretty absurd. and i feel so strange reliving my high school days. it's so, so, so far behind me. the future is all that really matters. and the fact that i am finally, really, truly, completely, honestly happy.