failure's always sounded better

i'm definitely a list-maker

2010-05-31T22:04:00.004-06:00

It's the one thing this blog is still good for!

Things I definitely need to invest in with my summer money:

- A really really good pair of skinny jeans. I will pay any price if they actually fit me like a normal person.
- A nice black blazer.
- A small, classy handbag with a long chain/strap. Getting really sick of my huge bags.
- Still on the lookout for a leather jacket.

I'll think of more!

We're not getting any younger.

2010-05-31T01:29:00.003-06:00

Get off of my runway.

This blog is basically dead. Once I move to Salt Lake, I think I want to start a real blog anyway with real followers and whatnot, where I can write about my new adventures. And it IS going to be an adventure. It's not a dream anymore, and it's worth fighting for.

I'm always in the dark.

2010-05-07T15:39:00.002-06:00

As much as I love Don't Stop Believing, Defying Gravity, Don't Rain On My Parade, all those popular ones... I've never been quite as inspired as I was by this song. Adding in that whole ballet number just amped up the talent. Ahhhhhhhhh I love it.

And I'm still holding out for Rachel and Finn btw.

amongst the waves.

2010-05-02T14:25:00.007-06:00

Things I need to invest in within the next few years:

canon camera
artistotle bike
blu-ray player/PS3
my own wiiiiii
huge LCD TV (splitting the cost with Ryan, of course)
coachella every year

...and it's probably a good thing the list isn't any longer than that haha :) Unfortunately, whenever I come into a lot of money (i.e. birthday, Christmas) I always just go shopping for clothes! It's unstoppble.

I'm spending my precious studying time by just window shopping and daydreaming some more about my apartment. Ugh. But I finished up registering for classes in the fall! Which is pretty exciting. I'm excited for 20th Century Fashion, which has nothing to do with my major, but I feel my college experience wouldn't be quite complete without a couple fashion courses. "Psychology of Clothing" will definitely be next.

I'm a rattlesnake, babe.

2010-04-30T19:57:00.008-06:00

Got the cutest outfit yesterday! I love this shirt! So excited.

Jeez I am pretty damn happy.

I'm realizing that out of all the people in the world, I like myself more than all of them.
:)

What a wonderful day I have had! I put together the cuuuuuutest outfit (always makes a day better) - black leggings with the above shirt, teapot necklace, and my new beret from Urban Outfitters. It's the cutest thing ever and I'll get tons of use out of it in Salt Lake in the winter. ANYWAY, started the day with a Starbucks passion tea, then went to buy back my textbooks at the bookstore and got totally ripped off. Oh well. Then my music final. (I think I did pretty good.) Then had lunch at Pirate Island Pizza with Ryan! Oh I love that place :) And tonight will be a pretty good night too ;)

My blogs are so unorganized. I wish I was a better blogger. One day when I have a nice camera I really do want to start a frequently-updated, organized, popular fashion blog. I feel like my shitty camera does neither my outfits, nor my looks in general, any justice. And editing them takes way too long. Anyway.. sladky sneety :)

of this much i am certain

2010-04-23T13:18:00.005-06:00

"Is it fun to do? Yes. Is it fun to watch? Yes.
That's theater."
- my acting professor, genius. Acting is probably one of the hardest things in the world to teach, and he's the best teacher I've ever had.

So sad to be leaving the Dixie theater department :( So sad.

omg

2010-04-19T13:29:00.000-06:00

I like who I am.

it's time for a new jamie

2010-04-08T12:28:00.003-06:00

The new and improved Jamie:

is going to be way happier thanks to anti-depressants.
is giving up drugs and alcohol.
is giving up coffee and coca-cola.
is going to eat much healthier via cooking at home!

Perhaps this is a lot to take on all at once. I'll slowly stop the caffeine because that will honestly be the hardest. But the drugs and alcohol will not. It's so completely unhealthy and I hate how I am when I'm under the influence of either one. So they just have no place in my life.

I want to eat much healthier. Clean Eating magazine is so inspirational! And the food looks so delicious. The only thing is I can't really afford that many ingredients right now. But I'll do what I can :)

one week!

2010-04-06T14:54:00.004-06:00

"Easter" Weekend

2010-04-04T12:26:00.004-06:00

Every weekend should be this great :) Friday night was a beer pong party/tournament at Carson's. My boyfriend was the extremely drunk champion!

And all day yesterday, we went to the Arts Festival which was amazing, and got lattes at 25 Main. We saw a few friends we haven't seen in a while, and met some nice folk at a new gallery called The Pod, where a painting of mine and one of Ryan's will be hung for the next 4-6 weeks! How exciting is that! I've wanted for so long a place to show my art. Now I'm just completely inspired to paint some more, and because of Christina, to play my guitar some more.

Then last night Ryan and I relaxed and watched High School Musical 2 after the long day at the Arts Festival. (We're watching HSM3 tonight, sooo much better!:)) Then we went to a party at Kyle's. So much fun! We consumed large quantities of gin (my weakness), played golf, became cross-dressers, and had a dance party to At The Drive-In. Then Ryan took me home and I watched the last episode of Glee because I am ever so stoked for the new "season" :DDD I cried again at the very end!

Fantastic weekend. Today: laundry, homework, High School Musical 3.

And tomorrow!!!: Ryan's 23rd birthday!! Plans: After school, I bring a Java Chip from Starbucks (his favorite) and his presents to his house (American Eagle hoodie, iTunes gift card, and Almost Famous DVD.) Then we leave for Vegas, go shopping at H&M so I can buy him these Star Wars underwear he's been wanting and an outfit for myself for his party on Tuesday night. Apple store to play with the iPad! Then GameWorks! Then dinner. What a great day it will be. Happy birthday babyy.

2010-03-22T10:58:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to refrain from writing these vague posts, but, I need more of something. Or less. I don't know.

in my book, short days equal very, very long nights

2010-03-07T00:24:00.003-07:00

I have a great number of things to say but no way of saying any of them.

outfit for my roommate's nephew's 2nd birthday party:

cardigan: forever 21, top: urban outfitters, glasses: hot topic, bracelet: modcloth

perhaps vampires is a bit strong

2010-03-03T18:51:00.013-07:00

I had an audition today, and I think it went well. If my competition included more talent, I'd have lower hopes, not to say that nobody who auditioned was good, but there was only 26 of us, I believe. And for three plays, that's 8 or 9 actors for each play.. But regardless of that encouraging statistic I'm not getting my hopes up. But seeing Macbeth last night was so inspiring; if I could just go to plays constantly, then I would be constantly inspired, and probably a much better actress.

top, cardigan, and beret: forever 21

This wasn't my outfit today, but this last Saturday - a beautiful Saturday, rainy and lazy, and studying and reading at 25 Main for the afternoon with rain pouring on the windows was so picturesque I could barely stand it. I also got myself a red beret last Friday in Vegas - it's not a legit French one or anything but it'll do for now. And I adore this new white shirt - unlike my beret it feels so French. I auditioned in it today. It leaves a nice impression.

So I'll just be waiting anxiously for the next few days. Being cast in a play right now is not only just something I would really enjoy, but it would solve a lot of problems - mainly relationship ones. We're both scared because we've lost our individuality - the very things that attracted us to one another. Our independence. And I need something in my life that's solely mine and somewhere to go and be, without my boyfriend. I'm actually currently really scared for my relationship, and I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it or what.

P.S. I've quit smoking weed for good and I'm not going to drink any alcohol in excess (so probably not at all). I've come to hate the person I am when I'm under the influence of those things. And I truly never thought I'd be saying this, I thought that people who say this are just stuck up. But it's all finally showed me what it can do to me and I really really hate it.

to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

2010-02-25T21:25:00.008-07:00

I have the feeling 25 Main just keeps getting better. Probably thanks to customers like me. This utterly delightful latte is only $3.16, which is much less than Starbucks. I've been very successful at kicking the Starbucks addiction! I had a chai frap last night but it was the first in about a week. I've definitely been saving a lot more money than I usually do and that's pretty satisfying.

I am excited for tomorrow. I'll finally be done with my monologue in acting class and then Vegas with Ryan. I'll be purchasing a Diana camera and I'm stoked :) I'm also raking up a pretty long wishlist on Forever 21. As follows:

these last two paired together:

I've also become obsessed with interior decorating as I'm getting excited about my own apartment. I'll post a wishlist of sorts eventually.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2010-02-23T01:21:00.005-07:00

must-haves for my wardrobe:
red beret
black beret would be nice too
shiny black leggings
opaque red tights
black blazer
leather jacket (i've never felt the desire for one until now)

ASAP, PLZ, TY

the weakends

2010-02-18T20:23:00.002-07:00

I've finally realized how much money I could save if I stopped going to starbucks. I mean I love this stuff but it's not worth the money I spend almost everyday. 4 bucks X 7 days = $28 a week. I should definitely be saving that.

I've also indefinitely discovered the glory of cragislist. It's a goldmine for the unemployed. I'm going to sell so much shit. I'm excited to sell my camera and buy a better one. Then I can really get this blog into full swing. Haha.

just hold my hand, i think that that would help

2010-02-16T15:03:00.007-07:00

i think i would really love to start a fashion blog. but first, i need a better source of income in order to keep revamping my wardrobe for the better. sometimes i really wish i had kept all the receipts to everything in my closet and that return policies didn't include expiration dates so that i could just return everything i own and start from scratch. oh how lovely that would be.

my hair is in a very awkward stage because it's much shorter in the back of the top of my head than everywhere else. so i'm going through one of those times where i have to pull it back halfway or in a ponytail every day. i kind of like it though because it's been since november that i've been able to put it in a ponytail at all.

i'm wearing a dress ryan bought me when we went down to vegas on valentine's day. this was my valentine's day by the way.

vosges chocolates are our obsession. we had dinner at circo at the bellagio, and i wish i'd gotten just a little iphone shot of our little corner of the restaurant. it was so quiet and next to these big windows that looked out behind the water show. it was quite pretty.

today's plans are psychology homework @ starbucks, and karaoke night @ applebee's.

i really should start taking my camera around with me more. i really should.

i do i do i do

2010-01-28T19:19:00.004-07:00

i get really teary-eyed when i think about my future wedding, and listen to my "wedding" playlist. what's better for first dance: across the universe, or wonderwall?

i don't think i can stand until valentine's day to give this to him. especially since we're moving everything into our room on saturday! :}

also, ghetto headshot!

to go for it or not to go for it? i just don't know.

i also found a new monologue for acting class that describes exactly how i feel about acting. so it's going to turn out very good. it's pretty long though =/ and i must memorize at light-speed. take luck.

"It was in the third grade, when they took us for a field trip to see Richard III in Boston. I'd never seen a live play before, and I didn't understand what was going on up there, but I could tell that there was a whole bunch of people hating each other, going to war against each other, and just plain killing each other - kind of like all the wars and murders I heard about on the news. The last hour, I was really spacing out, desperately bored and upset with it all, wanting to go back to class and just take a spelling test or draw a picture. Then finally it ended and they closed the curtain. But then - right then - they did something that I wasn't ready for. They opened the curtain again, and there was everybody who'd been running around hating each other and killing each other for the last three and a half hours - they were all up there, holding hands, smiling at each other, patting each other on the back, smiling at us, taking a nice bow, and that was when it really hit me. Hit me hard. They looked so beautiful, so peaceful and loving. Richard the Third was standing right next to the woman he'd murdered, and she was holding his hand and smiling at him as if they were about to go get something to eat together as soon as they washed off their make-up and changed their clothes. And I had that picture in my head all the way back in the bus, and I lay awake in my bed practically all that night, thinking, that's what the world needs. We need to get the U.N. to pass a resolution that on a certain Sunday, everybody in the world - the President of the United States, the head of Russia, the murderers, the bank robbers, millionaires, coal miners - will just line up and hold hands and take a bow. Dead people, too. I decided that dead people would suddenly be able to get up off the floor, walk over to the guy who killed them, and say, "Good show, good show. Ladies and gentlemen, we were only kidding. It was all a story. We really all love each other, and now we're going to change out of our costumes and have a party. You can all come too. Cake and cookies and wine, all on us!" And that's why I wanted to act: so I could do that. Whether I was playing Snow White or the stepmother, Cordelia or Lady Macbeth, I wanted people to see me get up off the floor and take my place in line, smiling and holding hands with everybody, so I could give them a taste of what it would be like if the whole fucking world could take a curtain call."

life is about to get substantially better.

2010-01-25T08:49:00.002-07:00

all problems: solved.

goals: study harder. laugh more, now that it's possible. enjoy college.

moving in one week :D

baby and me

2010-01-24T13:59:00.008-07:00

i love you more than earth.
and we are going to have a wonderful year on it.

i hate my roommates.

2010-01-24T13:25:00.005-07:00

jesus and mary chain, i hate my roommates.

they spend their weekends by sitting in the dark all day and watch cheerleading movies and movies with actresses like hillary duff and selena gomez and the whole time they say, "this movie is so dumb." BUT THEY KEEP WATCHING! THEY WATCH THE WHOLE THING! oh and at times like RIGHT NOW, they sit on the couch and watch football and do the man clap when something good happens. (CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.) but thankfully since jamee left there seems to be less playing dress-up and nsync and aaron carter. i kid you not. you can't write this stuff!

and honestly, if i ever thought i would meet a 19-year-old who couldn't spell "great" or "adventure." then, what.

but what i really hate is just their attitudes. i'm not THAT judgemental as to dislike them just because of the above items. i kind of feel bad complaining about it, but.. really? ugh. i wanted SO bad to come to college and be best friends with my roommates and we would share our interests with one another. but i think it was at about the time when i was watching Network in the living room and kayla said, "i don't think i would like this. it's just like one of those movies, you know" that i realized it wouldn't work. culture clash is all it is. i suppose the only way to react is in equivalence.

true depression.

2010-01-20T15:19:00.004-07:00

it's official.

i have a bonafide shopping addiction.

what's wrong with me? i've spent about $81 in the last three days on clothes. yes this robe is the softest most amazing thing i've ever felt and it's probably the most practical thing i've bought, but i'm pretty sure i bought those pj shorts JUST because they have penguins on them and they were on sale. and i'm pretty sure i only bought that modcloth dress this morning because it was on sale for $19 and originally $62. and then i thought "well, and i've also wanted this $15 bracelet for soooo long, i may as well add it to this order." and yesterday, i was simply bored and bought two tops at american eagle.

D: i don't even realize i'm doing this! solution: no more internet shopping for clothes. not even LOOKING. or mall browsing. or target - only for food. i'm only going to look at apartments and cameras online, because those are the things i'm really saving up for. they're the things i really need, and, apartments especially, give me inspiration and motivation.

i guess i feel really horrible because i've spent all this money and now i hardly have enough for ryan's valentine's present. but i don't know what the boy wants anyway.

i was meant for applause

2010-01-19T16:51:00.004-07:00

i'm building a future for myself! how exciting it is to finally have settled on something!

for now i'm actively searching for a job in st. george. and depending on if/when/what job i get, i may stay here for the summer or move up to salt lake in june. if i get a job at 25 main, which i'm going to ask about next time i go in there, i'll definitely stay until early august. but then i'm going to salt lake community college for two years for baking. AND they have theater classes there too so i can take musical theater this fall! SOOOOOOO HAPPYYY!!!!!! i'm sure it won't be nearly as fun as it'd be with my professor at dixie, but i'm just excited to do musical theater again. and be on a stage.

my mom's agreed to pay $300 of me and ryan's rent each month in salt lake, so if we both have a job up there, we shouldn't have anything to worry about money-wise. and i'll be able to visit austin and alysha all the time and have friends! ohhhhhh it's going to be so much better than my current all-around situation. i'm so excited.

i was meant for derision,
nothing short of fate itself
has affected my decision.

i want to start something

2010-01-14T18:01:00.005-07:00

two modcloth gifts came in today! my penguin mug from ryan that he was gonna give me for valentine's day but i made him give it to me cuz he's a sucker, and my secret santa gift!

that headband is magnificent in real life, and looks so good on my head! now i can search for a modcloth dress to match it :] thanks modcloth!

it's quite funny how optimistic reading cosmopolitan makes me. i simply feel like i need to take better care of myself. the past day or two i've been quite upset because

- i'm starting to feel the real pressure of deciding what to do this summer and fall.
- i could only manage to get 12 credits this semester, so if i do have to stay at dixie next year, i won't have my scholarship anymore.
- i miss my fwends in salt lake.
- i still hate living in my apartment. ryan and i were totally going to move in with creed and brittany, until i played with their new kitty and had a horrible allergic reaction.
- ryan has two jobs now which is good because A: he'll be making so much more money and B: he's cooking in the nicest restaurant in st george, which makes him happy, so i'm happy. but, it's also depressing because i'll virtually never see him except before bed and for ten minutes in the morning and because it reminds me how much fucking trouble i'm having obtaining a job myself, whilst he can just walk in and ask for one and get it.

but i'm feeling optimistic!

- the time away from ryan will help our relationship, in a way. i'm not sure i need more time alone, but i need more time to be productive, i think.
- i deep conditioned my dead, fried, black hair and it's back to its original soft silkiness :) which is actually a HUGE relief because i thought it would be dead forever from dying it black. and i'm actually really happy with it right now. the length is good.
- acting class has already totally improved my life. my professor is so legit, and my classmates aren't all total freaks. it's so fun. part of me almost wants to go back to dixie next year just so i can take musical theater from my professor. i don't really want to do theater at u of u or anything because they're way too good for me up there.
- taking 12 credits is kind of lazy, as i said, but also so amazing only having classes three days a week!
- SAN FRANCISCO and WICKED over spring break!!

gym time!

twenty ten!

2010-01-01T14:49:00.002-07:00

so... wow. i was reading some of my old blog posts from early 2009, late 2008... and i was not happy. i claimed that i was at times, but hearing myself describe what used to make me happy is pretty absurd. and i feel so strange reliving my high school days. it's so, so, so far behind me. the future is all that really matters. and the fact that i am finally, really, truly, completely, honestly happy.

2009-12-24T16:46:00.001-07:00

i am really, really, really, seriously done with my family. this has been my worst christmas ever.

merry christmas, i could care less.

the time has come.

2009-12-19T21:51:00.005-07:00

yeah it's not even christmas yet, but since i'm not really having a christmas, i'm jumping to new year's.

new year's resolutions:

1. lose 10 pounds, OR until tummy is gone. i am doing this by means of working out at least five nights a week and eating nothing but special k, water, and fruits and veggies. this is going to be extra difficult whilst my boyfriend is trying to GAIN weight and is eating five meals a day. grr. but seriously now. this is the time to get this taken care of. i have a feeling i'm going to be moving somewhere exciting next year, and my weight is the last thing i want to be worrying about. being comfortable in my skin will ease the process of taking some uncomfortable leaps in life.

2. be happier, and go where life takes me. i feel like i'm stuck in this limbo in my life right now, where nothing is really quite right. i'm not entirely happy here. and if i have the chance to go somewhere new, do something new, try something new.. i'm gonna do it. i'm really serious about this. my mother's double standard about me going to college and letting my brother drop out is pretty unacceptable in my mind.

3. hang out with my roommates more. yeah, i have absolutely no way of relating to them whatsoever, but i can try. along with the 'be happier' part above, this should fall into place as well.

4. don't let my boyfriend rule my life so much. i'm such a relationship-driven person that i don't mind a bit that i spend all of my time with him. i know that we're absolutely perfect for each other and that we're going to be together for a long time. but in the back of my mind, i know it's not entirely healthy. i've been kind of deprived of the alone time that i was so accustomed to back at home. (but that's just college, i guess.) but i need to be doing other things, going places with other people.

5. change things up. i don't think this really counts as a resolution, but, at the dawn of the new year, i'm going to change some things. one thing being my wardrobe. my closet is so small in the first place that i need to rid of the things that look awful on me, or are just really old, or hold bad memories.. or whatever. i'm going to start reading more books again, and basically just keep myself on my toes. i think that's pretty important.

i have a feeling 2010 is gonna be a good year ;)

a solid soul and the blood i bleed

2009-12-17T22:10:00.009-07:00

it's been a nice day! (: i got more presents, and i bought presents!

kayshia lyn gave me a lovely new green blanket and ryan bought me a bear at the hallmark store! hehe i love stuffed animals :} it's been so long since i've had a legit one. kristal also gave me a mug and socks yesterday :}

and this is what i bought for each of my roommates.

i also saw geri at target, which is always happy because she is the prettiest girl i know.

yay christmas time!

i don't know when, but a day is gonna come.

2009-12-16T19:12:00.005-07:00

today i dreamed and daydreamed
though to them it seems a scheme,
i wondered if we all think different,
how one can bear a fraction of a dream.

i just see life in a larger scope,
and it kind of makes me want to cry,
knwoing they're ok with letting that die.
i think i'll find some other way,
something else to sacrifice.

'cause there's so many things i want to see,
and touch and find and do,
and such a thing, to know that's not the truth.

but i refuse, i guess
i refuse all i've been told.
because i never read of anguished lives,
just stories of dreams made whole.
and i don't want to be a number,
that number that grows every day,
of souls unknowingly dying
by giving up, and walking away.

best weekend in a while.

2009-12-14T16:15:00.014-07:00

saturday night was so lovely!

we ate calamari, which i adore.

and i tried veal for the first time, which i'm pretty fond of.

and ryan bought us wine to take home :)

then last night we went to applebee's per uzj and ryan got drunk.

he looks pretty snazzy in the $8 target scarf i bought him :)
speaking of which, he got me the most thoughtful christmas presents. he gave me my Glee CD early a couple weeks ago because i was really upset one night, and he knew it would put a smile on my face. <3. and on saturday he gave me Pump by Aerosmith, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and this limited edition of The Wild Things by Dave Eggers.

we both know how i'm not really the biggest fan of Dave Eggers, but i'm excited to read this. and if i do hate it as much as i hated A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, well... it's a fucking furry book! i love it. it's my very own Monster Book of Monsters.

anyway after dinner last night we went to creed's and laughed a lot. then came home and snuggled all night.

i came to find out i don't have an integrated studies final today. now i only have math final tomorrow night, art critique on wednesday, english final on thursday, and history final on friday. and sunday i'm off to disney! :))
(oh and i'm getting my money back this week, thank goodness. let me once again put in a truly awful word for paypal. in their email telling me my case was won, they didn't even say "sorry for the inconvenience" or anything; almost as if peoples' money just disappeared all the time, no big deal ...haha.)

THE ANGER

2009-12-11T12:16:00.007-07:00

this has been the worst-possible, god-awful, absolutely terrible, most horrible week of my life.

it started out okay, i guess.
but the past few days.. my god.

1. i got robbed of $113 through my fucking paypal account. that's half my fucking money, and there's a chance that i won't even get it back. i'm canceling my fucking paypal account after it's all done. ebay isn't worth it.
2. i was running late to class this morning and was in a hurry and backed into my roommate's car. hers is okay thank god but my car looks even more trashy now.
3. i have a fucking 69.44% in math. i need a 70% to pass the class or else i'll have to do it all the fuck over again. all i have left to do is the final exam, and i think i can bring it up that little bit, but if i don't, i'm going to be livid. i might just quit school. it makes me so angry.

and amidst everything else i have to do this weekend:

1. five or six retarded things for integrated studies.
2. five or six more sketches and one more entire final drawing project i haven't started.
3. so much math studying.
4. and start history studying.

ugh i don't even know what to do. i wish there was something i could do get all of this off my mind but there's nothing. maybe i'll just go to barnes & noble for the night and read and keep my mind off things before this horrible weekend ensues.

/end complaining. this isn't helping my trying to be a more optimistic, happy person whatsoever. one thing to be happy about:

1. i think i'm losing weight from the stress.

l a z y .

2009-12-09T16:23:00.004-07:00

today i sit in my bedroom in the dark.
i only wear a white tank top and ryan's orange underwear.
i find it pretty classy. this is all i'm going to wear in the summer when we live together.
i listen to the hives and take way too many pictures of myself.
fucking wednesdays.
so peaceful.

i think i'm growing fond of winter

2009-12-09T09:59:00.002-07:00

as long as there are no massive snowstorms preventing me from driving anywhere, i think winter's kind of okay. it kind of feels like we're all just bears and we all fall half-asleep for four months. i feel so groggy all the time. but it gives me a good excuse to stay on the couch and drink lotsssssss of coffee and watch movies and cuddle with the boyfriend. i like feeling nice and bundled up and warm. i guess all it took was getting over my stubbornness and learning how to dress warm haha (: i'll demonstrate that now by going outside to check the mail ONCE AGAIN. so anxious.

eeee!

2009-12-08T19:24:00.007-07:00

HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!!! :D fucking hardcore edition!!! so excited for this!

if only i had a big amazing TV and a blu-ray player :( when we move, i guess.

also, i wish ryan's gifts would come in the mail soon :( i can't wait to see his cute face light up!

it's getting better.

2009-12-07T00:45:00.008-07:00

it's getting better!

finals in a week. i only have four. it's not going to be horrible. english will be a breeze. math may be tough. history may be tough. and i might just end up failing integrated studies. it's ok, doesn't matter.

the next week will kind of be hell, but after that life's going to get amazing! christmas with ryan, then off to disney world for christmas with the family, then new year's with ryan (eeee!!) and then like two more weeks of freedom. then, i'm auditioning for tuacahn in early february :} yay.

and YAY new hair! i suppose it was worth the $185. none of my stylists in cedar city ever managed to get my bangs or layers looking this good. however, i am just waiting for someone to tell me i look like alice cullen.

and THIS is my new favorite place in all of st. george!!

we got them to serve coffee in mugs! i honestly feel like i'm not in st. george anymore while i'm inside that place. wondrous escape. i can't wait to live in a real city.

2009-12-01T20:06:00.001-07:00

note to self: stock up on plaid shirts.

edit: NO! save money, dumbass..

so little time

2009-12-01T19:01:00.006-07:00

my emotions have two options right now:
liberation
or depression.
right now i'm stuck on the latter, but there's a little sliver inside of me that's saying the former will soon arrive. this feeling that i have no idea what's going on is so fucking scary. but it's also complete liberation, i guess. in what could be less than a month, i could be anywhere, doing anything. i could be genuinely thrilled, or i could be even more horribly depressed.

so many options:
1. move to a new apartment at red sands. take the risk of having even worse roommates, but still, get away from my psycho ones.
2. move in with ryan and his parents for the time being. bold move, i wouldn't be sure how to go about that.
3. find a completely new student apartment. would be really difficult to achieve in so little time.
4. sell my contract, quit school, and move to portland with ryan right now.

i'm so unhappy here. i'd be happy if i had my own apartment in a nice city with ryan and found a job and worked full time. college is not making me happy whatsoever. it's wasting my time, really. time that i'm trying really desperately to preserve and use to my advantage.

home is where your heart is

2009-11-30T15:20:00.007-07:00

i'm cornered inside a house where i'm disliked.
i'm not used to that.
and i never will be.
i miss mommy never really being there but always being there.
i miss hearing "i love you" before i go to school. now i just get awkward glares.
i miss my green walls, my ocean-like bed, the snow up to my window, my mommy's christmas decorations.
i don't feel homesick, but i want to go home.

--

11th dimension; cold and; sad;

2009-11-29T22:07:00.005-07:00

your faith has got to be greater than your fear.

what a great sort of creed.

i'm starting to think no matter how much i try to change things, things won't change. i'm considering starting to wake up at 5 in the morning every day to go to the gym but i'm also considering the doubt that it will even help. i also thought about requesting a new apartment next semester but i doubt that will help either. i've just simply discovered that roommates and i don't get along. roommates in general. i wasn't made for them; i'm not that kind of person. i find it so difficult to leave ryan's house because it's an internal comfort being in a real house with a real family. i hate leaving that to come "home" to.. i don't feel like explaining it again. another note - i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i hate college. i can't get a job. it scares me that the only good thing in my life is ryan, and the fact that that one thing is SO good, it makes my perspective hazy as to how bad everything else is. which is a good thing. i guess. but that makes me pretty dependent on him. which i want to be, because i want to be with him forever. but at the same time, i need to really get my own life organized. at least a little bit. i feel so alone right now, it's killing me.

with the smallness of paris and the eccentricity of new york

2009-11-28T15:14:00.003-07:00

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit.
Like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there, drifting off to sleep,
drifting off to sleep.
I'll be the platform shoes; undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat, with the collar up so you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony.
Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names.
Identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare feet in this brand new colony.
This brand new colony.

you opened my eyes to

2009-11-28T14:55:00.002-07:00

common sense

common judgement

sense

nonsense

spontaneity

reason

what's real

and what's not

and nothing was real

until two looks

and two shots later

just so tired

2009-11-19T13:59:00.004-07:00

to put it gently, i am very very very very very very very tired.

not just from dethklok, mastodon, converge, and high on fire last night either. totally brutal. metal shows are fun.

no i'm just very very tired. in general.
i'm tired of this entire semester, i'm tired of my roommates, i'm tired of having no money, and i'm really really tired of being fat. i know that he is so small, but being ten pounds more than your boyfriend is really depressing. i'm kind of at a breaking point about it. i'm going to have to start working out like five nights a week in order to lose any weight, and i don't have the energy or time or will for that.

i hate college. it makes you tired, it makes you broke, and it makes you fat. nothing good comes of it. i'm definitely taking a year off after next fall. i really don't care what my parents say, i think 19 is a good age to break away from your homegrown responsibilities and do something for yourself.

there's this TV show called glee, and it kind of runs my life.

2009-11-15T18:40:00.004-07:00

if only i could have the confidence of rachel berry.

she kind of inspires me. it would be a different story if she was popular and well-liked, but she's not. she is usually miserable outside of glee but once she goes on stage she's incredible and everyone likes her. unfortunately she's a fictional character so saying she inspires me is kind of silly.

part of me wants to run full-speed at my dreams. my dream job would be to be doing musical theater. as my job. all the time. i don't even want a lead role; if i could just be on stage every day for the rest of my life and go home with an okay paycheck, i'd be thrilled. and i'm at the point in my life where i should start chasing that dream - taking acting classes, voice lessons, dance lessons, etc... it's all right here within my reach right now. but my lack of confidence is what's keeping me from all of it. i don't know if i think the theater world won't like me, or if i think the dream is simply too crazy and unattainable. i know if i worked hard enough i could do it. this is something to think about.

you'll never find it if you're looking for it

2009-11-15T16:54:00.005-07:00

it's insane how lovely it is to wake up at 6 in the morning and feel another person wake up next to you, and feel them tighten their grip around you and hear them say "i love you so much." IS there a better way you could possibly start your day? i'm so lucky, i've never felt so safe and sound at all times. i'm 18 years old and i've found what everyone goes searching for for their entire lives. it just makes everything so much easier, when everything else is so hard. i'm just so amazed. i didn't really expect to get him, and i didn't really expect him to be so amazing if i ever did. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. we just fit. we fit so perfectly.

yeah, life

2009-11-09T01:04:00.010-07:00

i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.
'cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.
and after all, you're my wonderwall.
<3

brown eyes just look bigger

2009-10-27T20:57:00.004-06:00

i want to be 15 pounds less.
i want big brown eyes.
i want to look good in just socks, underwear, and a tank top.
i want edgy alternative-colored hair that makes heads turn but still long and luxurious enough to make the whole world envious.

i want to stop looking in mirrors and reflections everywhere i go.

today i realized,
what the hell is stopping me?

i have the nicest boyfriend in the world. every once in a while i step back and think "no way he's mine."

i want the world to know, just as well as i do, that the smile on my face is completely pure and untouched.
i may seem like i'm much too concerned with the world,
but i feel like i'm giving it hope.

out of focus

2009-10-24T15:32:00.002-06:00

i feel so blurry and tired. i feel like i've been getting the best sleep and worst sleep of my life. i'm scared of many things. i'm scared of being alone on christmas. literally, alone; sitting in my apartment completely by myself. i'm scared of never seeing ryan anymore once i start working. i'm scared of this research paper. i always loved english so i'm kind of reluctant to say i'll be glad when it's over, but that's how i feel. i'm scared of what i'll be doing with my life this time next year. these are all such random things, but they're kind of killing me. i hate my bedroom and my apartment and just college. i'm always making excuses to get away from all of the above. i'd rather sleep in ryan's bed than mine though it's not possible. i'd rather be anywhere than class. dixie is such a joke of a school.

and i'm really not this depressed and upset and angry, i'm actually feeling really good. but for finally being free, life could be SO much better, you know?

i'm safer than it seems

2009-10-19T00:16:00.004-06:00

so i've been having HUGE finance stress. stressing so bad over it... how i have so little in my account, and so little income at all, and how i have a money-spending addiction, and how it seems i'll never ever got a job in my life.

well, today i realized it's okay. because in ten months, maybe seven, i'll be safe. he will save me, he will be there for me, he will love me, and yes, that's enough. that's all i could ever need.

even if we're sitting in an apartment with stark white walls and stained carpets and no room to breathe and we're starving to death in each other's arms, we will still be in each other's arms.

i feel so safe when he's next to me. i just feel complete when you're by my side. i feel a small emptiness when we can't be together. he makes me feel awake and fills me up with emotions; i feel relaxed.. excited.. anxious... happy.

:)

totally noteworthy sidenote: i tried out something i read in cosmopolitan on ryan this morning and he said "this is cool, i've never done this before" and fucking loved it. i thought all those tips were just bullshit. awesome! i love cosmo.

Cheyenne

2009-10-16T15:18:00.001-06:00

oh she loves you, she loves you
she loves you
oh cheyenne
you marvelous thing
the way my pen writes your name
your face on my mind
I'm alone and I...
oh she could love you
so much better than him

oh she won't be gentle and kind
you angel of darkness and wit and legs
oh cheyenne
you clever thing
like swans and pearls and ice
I try to forget but I, I just fight
but now you're stuck in black and white
and oh she only wanted one night

she loves you
oh cheyenne
she loves you so much more than him

one fish, two fish

2009-10-12T00:01:00.003-06:00

“you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

I know my life must be amazing, if i am honest-to-god living a dr. seuss quote. he is one of my biggest heroes. he says the most in the fewest words. i trust every word he says, i guess, and if he says i'm in love, i very well must be. i am completely, irrevocably in love. i don't want to fall asleep at night because feeling his arms and his scent and his skin is so much better than any dream i could make up in my head. we're real. and it kind of blows my fucking mind.

screw bella and edward and allie and noah. we are so tom and summer. like, to a effin t.

and i got jackson cannery

2009-10-06T23:38:00.004-06:00

sometimes i wish, well, all the time, that i had my own personal photographer that followed me around everywhere, all the time, every day. and snapped pictures of everything worthy of snapping and especially the things that aren't. i think it's totally absurd that our lives are landmarked only by the pictures we take at weddings, birthdays, proms, and senior years. these are significant events but most of our significant memories are in times of no printed importance. unexpected things. unexpected places. and people.
sometimes i want to be a photographer so i have an excuse to carry around a camera and attempt to record these things. photography's gotten such a bad rep with the indie scene nowadays. it really is such a remarkable art form. i should really invest in a camera.

good morning good morning good morning

2009-10-06T21:54:00.005-06:00

this has become my life:

screw college, imonna be a baker! seriously. i love it. it's so calming and lovely and delicious.

oh life is good... and this weekend will be beyond good. currently planning to see kym and wade on friday! and have the ptown house to myself with ryan for the night (<3) and homecoming on saturday night :} and we are going to look HOT. seriously, we're such a sexy couple. we're taking pictures. many. and i don't know how well these shoes on my feet and alcohol in my stomach is going to work out but

i am more than willing to find out xD

this was my breakfast

2009-10-02T17:14:00.005-06:00

whilst trying to convince my roommates that i'm NOT a hippie.

lol.

i'm thinking about moving to salt lake next summer/year. i want to volunteer at the zoo, i want to get a job and make money, i want to live with ryan... but it's way too early to divulge that though, i'm thinking. one-month anniversary tomorrow though! amazing :) simply amazing. i'll never ever forget our first date/kiss/night together. all the same night.. a month ago. amazing. amazing. simply amazing.

no i definitely don't want to risk losing this sheer happiness. it's completely mine. i have never been so careful about protecting a relationship before. it's just all so perfect. i'm always sneaking glances of us in reflections. it's like looking into a wishing well. but they're really just car doors and mirrors. it's actually real.

tonight's the night. and i'm so excited C:

ahhhhhh deaign34 8a;o <3

2009-09-20T16:24:00.008-06:00

ohhh i missed having a real boyfriend. it is nice. it is so nice. party.

somehow i'm always "that girl." in a good way. every girl wants to be that girl that makes a guy change for the better. that's always been me. i'm lucky.

this has been life of lately:

looks like a good life to me, does it not?
and you know.. it only gets better. for sure.

i don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

2009-09-17T23:05:00.006-06:00

i think there's a few ways you can tell when you've got something really, really good. here's mine.

you know how kisses lose their spark after so many? (and trust me, we've had many.) but every time i see him, each kiss feels like the very first again. and i just crave his lips all the time when i'm not with him. he gives me chills when i simply think about him. something is so magnetic between us. god it's cheesy and stupidly over-romantic but it's fucking amazing. he's mind-blowing. i don't think i've been able to say that about many/any people.

i need to start writing again very soon.

getting a new writing journal is on my literally never-ending to-do list.

can't wait to have my first real "weekend in vegas" with my love :}

jealousy, turning saints into the sea

2009-09-11T17:18:00.004-06:00

it was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss...

now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go...

i hardly have any time to blog anymore, but there is too much inside me to keep in... i'm beyond confused. beyond befuddled. beyond scared. the truth is i can keep telling myself and him that "I'M NOT THAT GIRL" but maybe i really am that girl. maybe i'm reading way too far into it. maybe you should STOP SENDING ME MIXED SIGNALS?! i've been pretty straightforward haven't i? i was really drunk but "i really like you" means just that. it doesn't mean "i want to be your seventh girlfriend." you said you liked me too. i asked you if i was just girl of the week and you said no. do i really have to ask again? what the hell is all this. how did everything get so muddled up. i've known you for three weeks, i don't know if i can trust you yet. you've told me to trust you and not to trust you. give me something to work with. why would you want to meet my roommates or want me to sleep in your bed every goddamn night or kiss me in public or hold my hand if i'm just a number? surely you can pick a better number. don't tell me it's ok. your charm is toxic. i'm leading myself straight into the punchline of this cruel joke. when you stare so intently in my eyes is that just another trick up your sleeve or is it real? when you hold my hand are you just pulling me where you want me or is it real?

i just can't look, it's killing me.

"is this the girl you're doin'? she's cute!"

2009-09-07T13:35:00.004-06:00

he paints, he reads, he writes, he's 22 years old, he's extremely intelligent, he parties like a rock star, he has great friends, he likes to cuddle, he dresses nice, he's a walking music encyclopedia, he's awesome in bed, and he fucking COOKS.

is this kid for real?

rain check

2009-08-17T22:39:00.004-06:00

i could go on and on right now about how i'm a horrible, horrible person... how all i do is hurt people, and my perception of reality is as far off as another galaxy. but instead... i'm really definitely going to consider therapy. not right away. i'll get settled with school first... but even if i feel really good for a while, i think i should still consider it. i don't think i can really fix myself on my own at this point, you know?

besides... who wouldn't want to be taught how to live life by someone who has the same name as the female zombie-slayer in resident evil?

i deal with my emotions through films

2009-08-13T22:44:00.002-06:00

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
- Iris

i'm starting a new chapter... hell a new book.

:)

s'been almost a month since i've updated this! i'd go into description of what i've been doing, but "that would be counter-productive" of this post, you see :) i'm not looking back at all anymore... i'm getting a little nervous/slightly scared about moving in with strangers and starting school with strangers, but it's all exciting.

going shopping for apartment-things tomorrow :) moving in nine days!

HBP round 2 and the art of travel fashion

2009-07-18T15:51:00.003-06:00

i decided that midnight Harry Potter movies are really special things. for the last two movies, i'm DEFINITELY going ALL out - hopefully i'll be in a city where there's a really big theater, and i'll have THEE best character costume in the place (pansy parkinson? :D), and i need to take tons of pictures. i realize this because i saw Half-Blood Prince again yesterday - the third day it's been out - and the crowd was sooo lame compared to the midnight show! i mean, of course, but it just makes me see that midnight movies are once-in-a-lifetime kind of shindigs, in a way. for freaks like me, they must be taken seriously, and by seriously, i mean totally outrageously :)

but back to reality...

i'm leaving for a long trek of the west coast on friday. it's going to be SO GODDAMM HOT in vegas. and probably REALLY COMPARATIVELY COLD in washington. i'll be packing an interesting assortment of clothes in my suitcase. i can't wait to stop by hot topic and grab some Harry Potter and possibly Watchmen posters to bring to college and freak out my roommates with.. :D i really don't want to be the "kym" of the apartment though.

but one of the things i'm mostly excited about on this trip is taking lots of pictures in the outdoors and the beaches and lakes. mostly testing out camerabag on my iPhone and the vintage filters. i also can't wait to tan in vegas. i only wish i had a sexy swim suit (ModCloth's Bathing Beauty Retro Swimsuit in Wine plz!!!) i wish i had that kind of money. speaking of amazing retro-ness - i have finally pulled off the perfect pin-up look. if i had a complete wardrobe to match, i'd be a happy girl. the turquoise sweater and sexy flats that i ordered from Forever 21 should help. i also decided that i REALLY like Twelve By Twelve. it's expensive compared to Forever 21 but cheap compared to Urban Outfitters and especially to ModCloth. i'm not sure i will ever order anything from ModCloth.. =/ not until i'm a successful business owner. please stay in business for another ten years, ModCloth, i love your stuff, i'm just a broke college kid!

okay i remember what i edited this to write about now. haha. i am SO stoked lately on getting a tattoo. i should probably start small.. should i start with MCR or HP? those are the two things that are really important to me to get tattooed. right now, my idea for MCR is more practical.. i already have my MCR idea totally set in stone. i'm still playing with HP. it has to be perfect :) this is one idea i'm pretty keen on.

i'm just in love with my non-traditional lightning bolt. and i think maybe even having it in my own handwriting would be pretty cool as well. my f is all fucked up though.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-15T19:28:00.004-06:00

OOOOMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGG

:D

Half-Blood Prince is by FAR the best HP film yet. BY FAR. as stated on MuggleCast, they totally just took everything to a completely new level. i am astounded. my favorite part of it was just the cinematography. everything had a perfect amount of this gorgeous glow. i wish all of the movies could have had that light. they better keep this director of photography for Deathly Hallows 1 and 2. SO happy we don't have to wait two years for the next movie :) a year and a half is much easier to deal with.

anyway, it was super funny and outrageously romantic. i think the romance was necessary, but i'm thinking the humor was maybe a LITTLE over the top. as well-balanced as it made the film, the plot is still very dark. they got to that at the end, but still. it was great being in a theater full of laughing people though :) everyone would be laughing so hard that no one would be able to hear the next few lines. haha good thing i'm seeing it at least twice more :P i don't know why i think it'll be any different though, haha.

i really enjoyed Dumbledore's death and his memorial. i was upset at first when i heard there was no funeral, but over time i guess i accepted it, and the "memorial" moment is just as beautiful. everyone raising their lit wands; it was really really lovely. and ginny going over to comfort harry was very real. i was shaking by that point in the movie, but i don't know if it was because of the anticiptaion of that "avada kedavra" or just because i was starting to get cold in the theater haha. i really do think it was the former though. it really was a great scene. i wonder how many people that haven't read the books will now be convinced that Snape is pure evil.. i'll have to talk to my parents about it after i go with them on Friday :) i'm not even sure they know Dumbledore dies. it'll be fun.

i love Alan Rickman. i love Snape. i love Snape so goddamn much. every time he opened his mouth was a great moment. i didn't even realize that the Unbreakable Vow scene was in Spinner's End until like, this morning. it was great too because while watching it, i couldn't get over how great that scene looked - the library sort of room with all the old books, the rain in the windows, this heavy, heavy mood over all three characters. it was all so Snape. so it alllll made sense when i realized it was Spinner's End.

i know it was 2 1/2 hours but it seemed so short :( did not want it to end. the midnight madness was awesome though :D TJ Harris was first in line and had been there for 6-7 hours. i'm sure that's a small number compared to bigger cities though. i can only imagine the chaos that ensued around the country last night.

how lucky am i that infinitus is in Florida next year when i might be living there? lucky! i need Harry Potter friends that are just as horrible as me, i really do.

edit: buying the soundtrack asap. SO amazing.

my life is intense

2009-07-12T01:09:00.010-06:00

in the words of the loser that is ted mosby: "i think if we're really honest with ourselves about what we want out of life, life has a way of giving it to us." (approximate quote)
today, the day after i wrote that last blog, trina left me a happy birthday comment on facebook. i don't think she did that last year; i don't know about the year before that. life is just SO crazy this way, innit? and it wasn't even just simply "happy birthday." she really cares.

---

i never realized how much of a "guy's girl" i am. idk if that's actually a real phrase. but it seems to describe me. on the iphone, it's easy to see exactly all of whom you have texted/have texted you, and since i've had it, only guys have texted me. i need more girl-friends =/ there's sariah, and kym... (haha. total opposites. proves my range of friends.)

and jeez this boy is being so cute! i never thought a guy like him would ever be into someone like me. and when i say "guy" i mean "player."
i'm probably already way in over my head. i need to back off. i shouldn't trust him.

finally got mah birthday casssssshhhhh ;)
all i've decided on so far is a new pair of shoes.

$9.99
hot.

HALF-BLOOD PRINCE IN 71 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED STOKED

a whole night of nerding out with sariah and hopefully marty and michael! SO excited. gonna be one of the highlights of my summer.

i'll be the one that shouts "HALF BLOOD PRINCE '09 BABY" after the cinema workers dressed up as wizards give their whole "turn off your cell phones" speel, and the one whistling when harry and ginny kiss, and the one giving a standing ovation at the end :D

you saved my life.

2009-07-10T20:59:00.002-06:00

"We might never again be as close as we used to be...
but I just wanted you to know that you saved my life."

my favorite part of Annie Hall is the part at the beginning with the class of elementary kids standing up and saying, "i'm a heroin addict." etc. because really, who would have guessed? i imagine all my elementary school friends in that scene... alex standing up and saying, "i live on a farm with my five adopted siblings." kim standing up and saying "i'm my high school valedictorian."

what would i say? "i'm an alcoholic actress?" "i'm a starving artist?"

kim and trina were such a big part of my life... i'm writing this because i just lurked kim's entire blog. she's going places in life... she's so smart and talented, and i'm so upset that she's not even the smallest part of my life anymore. i'm really sad in general that of the three of us, i'm the one that got left behind... kim and trina apparently still she each other often. i haven't seen trina since 9th grade, kim since 10th... i know we have to move on with our lives, but i just wish we could talk.
i wonder if i'm the person that they thought i would be. we all knew kim would be valedictorian and trina would end up in california, because those were their plans. but i didn't really have any plans... it was just as big of a shock to them as it was to me when i found out i was moving to utah. maybe that's what they resent me for. i just ran off on a spurt of spontaneity. but that's my life.. that's still my life. it's who i am.
i never had a 4.0 like either of them, and i was always the "wild one" of the trio, but would they really disapprove of who i am now? is that why we don't talk? i'm still a good person... truly i'm the same person i was in 8th grade. just older.

but... they saved my life. they should know that. they picked me up and fixed me and they didn't even have to try. they should know that. but i don't know how to tell them.

idk...

my birthday's tomorrow and all i have planned is dinner with my parents.
ugh.

me = pimp

2009-07-08T00:06:00.002-06:00

strumming on two boys hearstrings right now. i've missed flirting :) a lot.
AHHHH disney worldddd six monthsssss!
i really haven't decided if that's what i want to do yet though...
as much as i resent my mom right now; she's right, if i go to FL, i might not come back.. and i do want to get at least an associate's degree. and i don't want to lose my scholarship...

BUT I'M SO YOUNG

I NEED TO PARTY

whatever, we'll see :)

my main concern right now is my 18th birthday... i really don't want to spend it alone.

the world has its shine

2009-07-05T20:39:00.004-06:00

last night was fan-tastic. even though i have a huge cut on my foot that hurts like a bitch. klutzes shouldn't drink like i do. or alcoholics shouldn't be as klutzy as i am. hahaha. i'm lucky that i have someone who is always there to take care of me when i'm trashed. it's not his responsibility whatsoever, but he just does it. it's very nice.

like seven people telling me in unison that i can do way better than him.. is so great. and getting closer with close friends. when i was with ty.. i was trying to fit in with his friends that i do not fit in with. it was awesome to go back to where i belong.

i love when i take my own advice. i'm great.

FREEEDOMMMMMMM!!

2009-07-03T23:52:00.006-06:00

life! liberty! and the pursuit of happiness! and marriage proposals from a gorgeous guy. proof that i can do way better ;D i'm not down one bit. up up up it can only go up from here. man i'm going to have fun in disney world. hopefully at dixie too.. but disney is for sure. :D i'm YOUNG and HOT, gotta live it up. c'est la vie...

and in four days, one of these babies will be miiineeeeee! young hollywood and i.

ipod for my last birthday, iphone for this one.. :D

i'm trying to decide between five new books, or a couple of new dresses... holy twizzlers, having money is liberating. i really should save it but... mehhhhh.

oh oh and public enemies was great! i realize i've gone out to the movies three times in the past week.. haha

SQUEEEEEEEEE

2009-07-02T01:04:00.003-06:00

david g commented my art on facebook and said he loved it! :DD yeah i'd say he and i are on official facebook speaking terms 8))))
it amazes me how simple it is to speak to your heroes these days :) in text, at least.

my sister's keeper was soooooooo sad. i mean, duh. but you know how during really sad movies.. you can hear people sniffling every once in a while in the audience? well, during this movie, we could hear people sobbing. christ.

B:

2009-06-30T18:41:00.005-06:00

banana bread, banana splits, band nerds, Barack Obama, Barnes & Noble, the beach, The Beatles, being a straight supporter, Ben Gibbard, Betsey Johnson, blogging, Bob Bryar, Bob Dylan, bonfires, Bonnie Wright, books, bowling, Boy Meets World, boys, Broadway, Brokeback Mountain, brown eyes, bubblewrap

Boy Meets World takes the gold on this one. I love EVERYTHING about this show. It's laugh-out-loud funny, which is great because it's targeted at sort of a younger audience - at first at least. But aside from the hilarity it ensues, it deals with real issues in family, friendships, relationships, and life in a real way. Not like Degrassi real. It truly just feels real. I like the later seasons of BMW better and I'm super stoked to get the DVDs! I remember my favorite episode was always the Halloween one when they were in night detention or something.. "They killed Kenny!" ahahaha I love this show. And Shawn's a hottie.

mmmmmmmm oh my god. There's no better way to ease your conscious while eating mounds of fattening ice cream and whipped cream than by adding some healthy bananas. So delish, like my second favorite dessert! (You shall find out my first favorite next time.)

closets

2009-06-29T01:52:00.005-06:00

i entertain my thoughts sometimes by thinking about what people do when no one else is around. i mean, i'd never want anyone to tell me about them though. that'd ruin it. but what i mean is.. like in all those tv shows where the plot of the episode is the kids break into their teacher's house for whatever reason, and they find the teacher doing the oddest things or they have the oddest possessions. like, are people really like that? it's totally possible.. i kind of have my own share of it, i suppose.

hmm anyways.. public enemies on wednesday! :)) oh johnny. ohhhh johnnyyyyy it's been too long. and my sister's keeper sometime this week with my mommy and half-blood prince in just about two weeks! i'm thinking i might take sariah instead of ty for the midnight show.. =/ i'm thinking that the timer's about to go off for he and i.. we both know there's an expiration date. but i'll give it a few more shots.

---

prettiest girls! prettiest freakin girls! oh i'm all about zooey atm
yes man = yes. yes yes yes.

oh bonnie <3

GOD YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY

2009-06-28T18:48:00.004-06:00

isn't it great when every cheesy pop song that comes on the radio completely describes your life and those are the songs that end up breaking you down?

"here we go again" by demi lovato

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart, and ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie cause I break down,
Everytime you come around

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say,
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye, but it’s no use
Can’t feel with or without you

Oh Oh

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, go again
Again, and again and again and again and again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart

Oh Oh (Oh Oh)

So how do you get here under my skin?
I swore that I’d never let you back in
Should have known better in trying to let you go,
Cause here we go, go, go again
Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together;
You’d think that by now I’d know
Cause here we go, go, here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better in trying to let you go
Cause here we go, go, go again (again)
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again

hey now

2009-06-26T01:47:00.006-06:00

i really need to start writing some productive blogs. let's go.

i'm conflicted in and of my relationship status. i've always been kind of stupid about that "top friend" shit on myspace and facebook? #4 was kind of odd at first but then i was like whatever. but 6? really, 6? am i jealous and paranoid or is that just how it goes? for being the one person who is willing to listen to your shit practically every day..
he's looking into how to make our relationship work during college, but he hasn't fucking kissed me yet!? (i use question marks when i'm really not supposed to) part of me doesn't even want him to anymore. ok now i'm just getting angry. should go to bed..

i'll have a heartbreaking work of staggering genius finished tomorrow. i wanted to finish tonight but i'm unexpectedly tired. i'm desperately hoping the last 20 pages will have a point. maybe i'll write a review. i sit on amazon for whithering hours reading reviews of books but i never write my own. i probably won't.

A:

2009-06-24T19:53:00.005-06:00

i came across a blog once where the author made lists of things she liked that start with every letter of the alphabet. so basically i'm ripping her off because it's been a good cure for boredom and kind of fun to think about.

things I like that start with A:

a capella music, acoustic guitar, acting, adrenalin, Aerosmith, airports, Alan Rickman, alcohol, alpacas, America's Next Top Model, androgyny, Animal Farm, animals, Ansel Adams, apartments, AP magazine, apple cider, Aragorn son of Arathorn, art, art galleries, art history, astronomy, attending plays, Audrey Hepburn, Avenue Q

How could you not love this man?! First of all he plays my favorite character in the history of literature... and he does it magnificently. I think the decision to cast Alan as Snape was just so brilliant. He's also in two of my other favorite movies, Love Actually and The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I do admit his voice never changes in any of his characters but who the heck would want him to?! He's known for his amazing voice that can be the most versatile piece of material without changing a pitch. Alan Rickman's always been one of my faaaaavoritee actors.

And I just freaking love alpacas. It's true, I had an alpaca calendar like four years back. They just have the sweetest little faces and move so cute. awwww

beginning the new chapter, climbing the next mountain, licking the next telephone pole...

2009-06-22T16:26:00.004-06:00

longest day of my LIFE and it's 4 in the afternoon. freshmen orientation was stressful. but informing. but retarded. but exciting. but iritating.

it would have helped if i hadn't slept only two hours last night. it's 4 pm and i can't keep my eyes open. but hey, it adds to the learning-about-college experience! this is what it's gonna feel like! hopefully not so much though seeing as my earliest class i have is 11 am. chaaa ching kinda stoked

but god is it gonna be a trip. as in, homework 24/7. idk if i can handle it. definitely going to disney for second semester/forever. baha!

i'm genuinely stoked about my apartment though. i just hope my roommates aren't like any of the girls i met today. (even though currently, the statistics are showing that there's a 100% chance that they will) if so i guess i can stick it out for four months. but i can picture it already - all my black picture frames around my white-painted room, (white walls, man i haven't had white walls since i was like 8! what a fantastic change of pace!) also adorned by my completed art which is very small in number but may slightly grow by the time i actually move (wishful thinking), and all my throw blankets on my twin bed (also a change of pace!) including my ghetto/awesome t-shirt blanket which is halfway completed. i have a slight blanket fetish lately. i mean i just want the whole shebang - the cheesy target-esque "dorm" accessories, the music constantly playing from at least one room in the house. omg going grocery shopping is going to be marvelous! soy milk and baking ingredients galore! lots of fruit too. maybe i'll experiment a little with vegetarianism and tofu. experiments, not promises, sorry boyfriend.

whilst today's journey, i made an observation about utah life/people and i think i'll write an essay about it because in my head it sounds pretty legit. or you know, just a rant here on my pathetic little blog.

i don't think i've ever used so many !'s in one blog.

i've been concentrating on films for the past couple weeks but i'm really cracking down on my reading. i'm seriously determined to finish these books by the end of the summer. seriously. it's happening.

and oh oh one of my favorite things in the world: discovering new vintage shops on ebay with wonderfully low prices and actually NICE vintage clothes!
oh i'm going to be a fucking sore thumb at dixie state.
!

tonight,

2009-06-17T01:23:00.004-06:00

twitter is intensity in ten cities. that's all i have to say. like, i'm surprised the media isn't all up on that shit more. you literally get to read into celebrity's lives. where they are, what they're doing, their conversations with other celebrities. it's just craziness, keeps me entertained for a good amount of time.

i feel slightly better tonight.. i think that when people say they're worried, when i'm NOT around or talking about them, i dunno. i guess it means more.

i'm going to start reading more. i told myself i'd finish all of the books i'm in the middle of by the end of the summer, but i've hardly attempted. i just like reading for days on end but it takes a pretty big push to get started. it also makes the hours pass. that's mainly what i'm concerned with.

so the list is:
- watchmen
- lullaby
- a heartbreaking work of staggering genius (which one way or another i seriously need to get back to allison; i fucking hate book "borrowers")
- why art cannot be taught
- harry potter and philosophy
- rant

jesus christ.

well and then i need to borrow the catcher in the rye from tyson and get a hold of sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs because i often forget how crazy i was about chuck klosterman's writing style, and a book called extremely loud and incredibly close because justin pierre tweeted about it, and sometimes i just diligently go to his blogs to look for what he's been reading and watching because i trust his judgement. i was right - wiki'd it and it looks great. run-on sentences ftw.

and i know approx 40 songs on my guitar now.. learning more every day. i guess the summer's been at least minimally productive thus far.

okay i know

2009-06-10T03:51:00.002-06:00

yep, it's become a thing. i'm blogging at 3:52 in the morning again. shit i didn't actually realize it was that late.. but i just found out about gerard's baby girl. serious business right?!! i gotta blog!

idk i just thought as a writer and all he'd come up with something better than bandit. o.O i mean, i'm all for badass rock star baby names. i loved bronx. and bandit would have been pretty sweet for a boy.. but a girl?

idk none of my business!

it's easy... all you need is love

2009-06-09T02:02:00.009-06:00

i don't remember where i heard it. but it was something about having a different love for a different time in your life. it really struck me and i think it brought me to arrive at my final thoughts on the whole "the one" shit and "true love." here it is:

there's no ONE person that you're meant to love. people aren't put on the earth in pairs. you can't help who you fall in love with; so there's no reason to fret when things get muddled up with that one person. (i just used two of the most notorious words in my boyfriend's vocabulary) there's always going to be someone new. someone new will come along and become the right person for you at that right time in your life. it's both beautiful and horrific.. people coming in and out of our lives, constantly. but hey. my ex justin was great to me..and i had a great time getting to know him and loving him. but in the end, it had to end. and we both had to move on to our next loves. love is trial and error, an assembly line.

except none of those things. love is far more complex than any of us could ever try to compute. we hate it, we love it, we fear it, we crave it, we abuse it.. it makes us do incredible things. it makes us do horrible things. it makes us go on crazy rants at 2 in the morning...

i totally adore the "write letters you would never send" thread on the qzll forums... i wrote this recently. i actually really like it in a literary sense, oddly enough.

Dear You,

It'd be awesome if when you get back from Greece, you swept me up in your arms and kissed me, in front of anyone who happens to be there. Don't you think so?

Love,
Me

anyway i'm just going to sleep with my laptop tonight because i am just so comfortable in my bed right now and IN THE ZONE that i think if i get up to go put it on my desk, then i'll fall right out of THE ZONE and the remaining ten minutes/two hours of my night will be ruined. i want to attempt to write something while i'm IN THIS ZONE.
wow, i wonder how often people think i'm all lucy in the sky.

page 13, room 608

2009-06-08T02:57:00.006-06:00

it's strange but i feel like my brain works ten times more analytically now, and i think it's because of English 1010. i mean, analyzing all that literature and poetry... and the way mrs. harris just forced it out of us. (mostly because out of the ten of us, someone had to say something or else she'd go from awesome hippie teacher to scary dragon woman.)
i've been re-reading one of my old ultra long stories every night the past couple nights around this time.. and i've arrived at the idea that i always come back to these stories because it brings me straight back to that wonderful time in my life. well.. as if the previous 8th grade memories blog wasn't a clue. but still. it's a glorious escape. and reviewing my 13-year-old writing style is a bit amusing as well. i still think i was talented. i don't think i was ever as talented as i was at 15 though. i pumped out SO much awesome shit my sophomore year, but unfortunately none of my peers would hardly understand it. i guess it's just a good thing to have for when i need inspiration in myself.
i don't really know where i'm going with this, because again, it's 3:06 in the morning.. i'm also very confused relationship wise and i'm trying to do the right things.
i think i'm realizing something right now. which would be worse - getting hurt like that again, or just losing him completely?

nostalgia in blog form...

2009-06-07T02:50:00.012-06:00

a great remedy for my so seemingly nearby loneliness is thinking of 8th grade...

"ava adora," ALLLL the long walks to smith's, making music videos to "boulevard of broken dreams" in the middle of the road in the rain, huddled up in kim's living room watching the breakfast club, extremely long talks at my kitchen table and in my hot tub, always sitting next to trina in english class and never paying attention, shells stand UP!, the entire back story trina and i made up to the MCR cover of spin, taking really really crappy-quality pictures at kim's house to use for story banners, our extremely awkward 8th grade dance, when a moshpit started at the 8th grade dance to "headstrong" by trapt ROFL, brother fitz hahaha, when we rented the porno-esque version of lord of the rings hahahah, chilling at jack in the box with all the other "cool kids" after school, drinking 12 packets of hot sauce at smith's, pretty much eating any kind of concoction the asian table wanted me to eat, wandering around hollywood video forEVER just giving our thoughts on every movie we'd seen, walking like four miles to coldstone and having trina's sister bring us back home because we had no energy to walk back, how starbucks had to put signs on their outside tables that said "for starbucks customers only" because of how kim, julie, and i would always eat our little ceasar's pizza there ahahha, "when the searchlights find us," kim thinking frank's last name was Lero haha oh i love her, my first really awesome student-teacher relationship with mrs. noetzel in the library, vincent telling me everything i ever needed to know about the kkk and designer basketball shoes, and when he showed me a polaroid picture of his penis while we were shelving books, mr. ochterski's fucking weird girlfriend that he paid to come into class sometimes so we wouldn't know he was gay, HAHHAH and vincent and mr. ochterski's secret relationship involving the lotion bottle he always had on his desk ("we don't need no catalysts!" how do i remember this shit?), thinking that "love is the red of the rose on your coffin door, what's life like bleeding on the floor" was the absolute best lyric ever, mr. weigand (who swear to god looked like a beaver) trying to tell off trina for wearing a sex pistols shirt and scrutinizing her religious beliefs ahahahaha, kim's 14th birthday at planet hollywood and the waiter said he'd give me a dollar if i drank a cup of cherry juice - i did and he didn't..., oh yeah worshipping that huge-ass rock!, walking home from school with kim and trina not because we didn't have rides but because we thought it was fun, sandwich day thursdays :D, being total and complete nerds, it was the best... seriously, the. best. days of my life. nothing even compares.

and the fact that all of that and a zillion more incredible encounters all occurred in like six months... i'll never find truer friendships...

----------------------------------------

happy birthday babe :) you're my world.

yeah it's 3:18 in the morning...

leave it all to me

2009-06-06T22:02:00.003-06:00

"if he doesn't kiss you in the next two weeks, then he has to be gay."

i solemnly, regretfully agree..
---
omg i wrote a fucking songggggggggg

these days are filled with long laughs and short gazes
hands clasped in the usual places
i put the water on the stove and wait
til it all boils over, before it’s too late

is this as far as we get?
we’re closer than either of us would like to admit
and like how the waves never quite meet the sea
the moment’s gone, catch and release

my heart’s been ticking like a grand old clock
for the pull in your eyes to force it to stop
i put the water on the stove and wait
til it all boils over, but it doesn’t relate

i don’t care just how far we get
let’s just run as long as time permits
and like how love still won’t pull us back to shore
i’ll savor every crash and love you even more

summer

2009-05-31T16:43:00.003-06:00

i have tons of pictures to post here but i'm just too lazy.

summer sucks DDD: i've BEGUN the process of applying for jobs... ugh it's just no fun.

but boyfriend gets home in ten days. i know right? surprisingly fast. i think once i get a job and everyone is available to hang out, summer will get better. hopefully.

i just wanna move to st george NOWWW D: i just need to busy myself... resident evil, finishing all my books i'm halfway through, starting new paintings, RUNNING... :) positivity is the key!

haha i'm so lame :D

but i will post this picture.. cuz it just makes me so happy!

graduation :D

2009-05-24T20:17:00.009-06:00

graduation was INSANE! the ceremony went by super fast, and grad night went by super slow... haha. but it was a good time. i can't wait to get the grad night pictures because i can't remember what we did half the time... stayed awake until 5:30 in the morning o.o

and tyson was being so boyfriendly all night. it was the best :) and we got married :D

oh and kendra wrote me a letter and brought it to me at grad night! it made me cry to no end :( i was so overwhelmed that she would take the time to write me such a long, loving letter! it's going in my memories box. i'm going to miss her and KW more than anyone.

pictures!

(I stole this one from Erika's "mom" but I love it. If you look at what everyone's doing individually... it's amazing. I'm going to frame it.)

ixie stat

2009-05-18T16:39:00.007-06:00

i'm an official college kid!

cuz i have an official ixie state hoodie :}
srsly though, it makes me feel really grown up.

and yesterday or the day before i was about to burst into tears about my new goth hair but i'm now extremely fond of it :)

new hair :D

2009-05-15T19:12:00.002-06:00

eh it's growing on me. the flash on my camera makes it look even darker than it is :)

I GRADUATE IN EXACTLY A WEEK.

movie moments

2009-05-13T22:46:00.005-06:00

i've been crying for the past two and a half hours hahah

i don't think i'll ever forget the feeling of this moment as long as i live.. we finished singing our sixth song, prayer of the children, and we immediately immersed in this huge choir group hug, everybody breaking into tears.
i hugged carylee and it just came out: "thank you for everything." it was so sentimental but it just felt so right.

graduating sucks. can it slow down now? ;( there probably won't be a day before graduation when i don't cry haha.

and watching tyson conduct is like watching a film reel playing before my eyes. it just brings back the memories of holding hands during pep band to stay warm, because his tuba was always in the way of actual cuddling. and watching movies at my house after games and i'd always fall asleep on his shoulder and feel so bad. falling so damn hard for him. it's so not over, not even close...

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. these are the best days of our lives...

question of the day

2009-05-11T17:36:00.003-06:00

how can fat girls wear tank tops all the time, but they make me inexplicably self-conscious?
oh yeah.

anyways, no yeah, life is good

our lives our made in these small hours

2009-05-07T17:25:00.002-06:00

that song makes me cry so bad D: it's like perfect graduation song... i'm making a 15-minute slideshow of pictures and songs to play before graduation... i can hardly watch it without crying! i'm kind of pathetic about this whole thing and i'll probably be bawling on stage during the baby pictures slideshow but who cares. gonna go cry in the shower :)

two more weeks, my foot is in the door

2009-05-05T17:14:00.007-06:00

there's this unexplainable feeling within me right now.. :)) these next two weeks will be purely incredible! this whole experience is even more than i imagined it'd be :D

i'm also very proud that i've stuck to my guns... that post from forever ago...
yeah i stuck to it :)

i mean, look at this kid!

HOW can you resist him?! but i did... he's a devil. the devil is so cute.

and i love all my super cute new dresses :D

senior trip to the ghost towns tomorrow!

17 full days until graduation
13 days of school left
10 days of actual classes left

and then like three days after graduation:
LOVE:

& LION KING:

i don't think i've ever been so excited about life in my life :D

the same subject as every other blog right now

2009-04-30T22:58:00.003-06:00

i am terrified of the swine flu! i really am. people joke about it and even i do lightly, but it fucking freaks me out. blake and i agree that if the human race were to ever really go extinct, it would probably be because of a pandemic. it's just such a scary thought - humans dropping like house flies. overdramatic, yes, but also - possible, yes. probable? dunno.

i'm just scared. there was just the first confirmed case in northern utah, and i'm going up there tomorrow =///

but what an ego boost for george orwell it would be to find that pigs are the source of the annihilation of the planet hahah! he'd not only be the master of symbolism and allegory but also foreshadowing!

today i learned:
- all about robert frost's poems "fire and ice" and "home burial"
- all about austin's play "cloud nine," which i can say was the first play i watched entirely through a curtain
- what exactly is inside the pellet that an owl regurgitates daily: tiny bones and fur of consumed animals, probably the grossest thing we ever did in environmental science
- about feminism at hogwarts - lord voldemort is to bellatrix as dumbledore is to mcgonagall as harry is to hermione

good stuff.

hmm

2009-04-26T23:32:00.002-06:00

people change drastically
she's not the she i used to wish to be
and you're not the you i once so surely knew
people change like decades,
and all i can do is remember

saturdays

2009-04-26T01:23:00.004-06:00

i'm a strong believe of the fact that you learn a whole plethora of new things every single day. so i had this idea that it would be really cool to write down a few things that i could say that i had learned by the end of every day.

today i learned:
- how to play resident evil IV (i haven't played a shooting/fighting/violent game since i was like 7) (and that it is very awesome btw)
- that my mother's friend saw australia twice in theaters, while i couldn't get through half of it
- that there are FOUR charlie the unicorns, and the second is very lame, so i assumed 3 and 4 were as well
- a few new lazytown songs :D

my motivation for school as of late is quite skewed. i am really quite motivated in the idea of GOING to school. but doing work and staying attentive in class is another thing.
oh well.
that's all that's been on my mind lately.

if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

2009-04-22T20:45:00.005-06:00

life is SO good right now. like... AERG HE;AOG
well, i guess more the anticipation is what feels so good.

and i was going to write about... something... but blake interrupted my train of thought, so here's my newest thought: smashing pumpkins is (are?) officially one of my favorite bands, srs.

and this week, what i want to be when i grow up is a costume designer, for either theater or the movie industry. i mean, srsly, why didn't i think of it sooner? i love clothes, i'm an artist and an actress, it'd be an exciting hands-on job, and i just love theater and film.

i'm actually renewing my love for film. i've got it planned out that while i live in st. george, i'll rent a couple movies every single week. maybe make it a weekly night in with my roommates. i really hope we become bffs. 22 more school days until i graaaaduateeee dawwwwwgggggggg. do i mention that in every single post on here? yeah probably.

and retraction to last post: i LOVE teh gayz. 70% of my friends are not straight. i mean no offense to themz. <3

o.O

2009-04-20T20:27:00.005-06:00

i am a total lesbian. not for realz but here's the thing. i don't understand lesbians, and i guess not gay men either. if you are attracted to girls, you're attracted to... girls. they're feminine nature and attitude. so why do lesbians butch themselves up? i am not attracted to girls like that. (and i'm not one that denies that physical attraction is the foundation of utter attraction.) i only ever find myself attracted to girls that are very pretty and girly to put it simply. it's just like how i'm attracted to guys; i'm not drawn to the ones that don't put off masculine qualities. i really think society would be even more accepting to homosexuals (i do know that only a small portion aren't anymore) if they were just themselves. i just don't support the whole opposite gender role that the majority of them feel they need to play. i know that they do it so that other homosexuals WILL know that they're homosexual as well, and ergo they will have some chance of finding a partner. but i hope that one day, sexual orientation will be completely liberated - that people could just simply ask if one is gay, straight, or bi, and the world would think nothing of it. i really think we'll get there someday. maybe not even in my lifetime but i do think so. so, in short, i highly doubt i'll ever be in a relationship with a girl that i'm attracted to because it would be extremely difficult to find out if she is interested in girls as well because she wouldn't fit the "lesbian" physical stereotype.

but you never know.

and i don't even call myself bi, because simply because i don't look like a lesbian, i am positive that i'd get the whole "you're only doing it for attention" thing. so i'll just keep it all to myself and close friends until a girl comes along that really grabs my attention and portrays any chance of anything happening.

anyway.

state was fun. it sounds really lame and a bit superficial but i feel accepted in my class now. by the people that i always wanted to be accepted by, at least. i've heard that that's what happens during senior year, i guess it's true. and on that note:

they really are quite pretty! i'm going to use my picture where i'm actually smiling but i couldn't find them atm...
once graduation practice starts, life is just gonna rock from there on out, no doubt.

and i think this needed its own post

2009-04-14T23:16:00.005-06:00

i've had two make-out dreams in the past week. they were both with boys at school that i find extremely attractive and endearing but have no chance with, nor do i think i'd want one with. but it's just so odd when i see them the next day. but also funny. i couldn't take my eyes off boy #1 but then i avoided looking at boy #2 at all costs. i've had many dreams about boy #2. for a couple years actually. i might even go as far as to say that he's the most attractive boy at the school in my eyes. we haven't said many words to each other but from the ones that we have exchanged, i think he returns the "endearing" trait to me. from afar, i always think "wow he is way too good for me." but when it's just us, it's this strange energy that is created between us when one of us speaks. and what's great about it is that no matter if i'm right or wrong, it's fun to think that i will never know and he will never know and that nothing will ever screw up or would-be romance. it's like that how i met your mother episode in season 1. nothing can ever screw up our love, as long as we leave it at this.

(i'm extremely glad i wrote this. i understand my relationship with him a lot better now :D)

re thinking

2009-04-14T22:53:00.011-06:00

so i plan on doing a vlog on how much i respect miley cyrus. the hannah montana movie was just SOO GOOD! it just made me think of the hilarious "hate videos" that i've watched on youtube about hannah montana that are just so utterly pointless and not well thought out at all.

"that movie was so good. i'm not ashamed!"

let's start smiling again, ok jamie?
you do so much to bring yourself down and not enough to make you smile. but you know how. i know it's hard getting out of bed so many times but it's worth it at the end of the day, i promise.

by the way, how come my hair always looks good at the end of the day but never at the beginning? it is just so frustrating, dawg

i like this picture of me. weird? it's not glamorous but i look grown up. not that i really want to grow up... sigh constant contradiction..

--
OH and SOOO excited for pastapalooza and state drama dude!

fuck i'm almost done with all of this. i'm on the fence about that. but i've got awful balance; i'll tumble one way soon.

oh and... (i've got so much to write down today):
today i just stopped and watched you and realized - you look very, very happy. i gave up some little part of my own happiness to see you just like this. so do not go back to that place... i won't ever take you there again, only in my mind, and only to visit, not to build. like a pretty little town that is just fine the way it is. it's got flaw upon flaw but that's what gives it... charm? that's just what makes it what it is. and i'm sorry for it all, i really am, but i'm never bringing it up again.

NOTE: be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

all things grow

2009-04-11T15:22:00.001-06:00

preach electric to a microphone stand

2009-04-09T23:23:00.003-06:00

i hate horror movies.
so so so so so so much

but goodbye negativity. fuck all that negativity. i'm going to love my life one day. i'll be honest... (not negative; honest) i don't right now. i mean, i don't have much to complain about but i don't wake up every day just loving everything around me. you know?

but one day i will.

last night i had a dream that like twelve boys were all in love with me but they were all freaks. i felt kind of bad. i mean, i obviously had that dream because i'm afraid that those are the only kind of guys that will ever like me. but.. am i really that big of a jerk?

no.. just insecure.

i really wish it were graduation already so i can get all my money. haha. i'm so excited for summer. like, not graduating, but just summer. it's strange that it took me so long to realize how awesome summer is.

oh if anyone read this

2009-04-06T19:44:00.006-06:00

it all shouldn't hurt this much. was i ever in love? it's like sand through your fingertips.. it's so warm and the feel is so unlike any other and you're so sure of it at the time, but once it all sifts through, you forget every single sensation. i can't remember now.
my tears feel so much different when my skin is clean.

i HATE being sad for no reason. i HATE it. i HATE being a cancer. i HATE how my sinuses get all torn down and shaken up whenever anybody confronts me about ANYTHING, especially when their intentions aren't even to hurt me. i HATE how out of literally nowhere the word "suicide" races through my brain. like a marquee at a carnival. no one notices it but me. is it built inside of me? is it my instinct? what exactly did the world corrupt me with five and a half years ago? what toxin did i breathe in, from what science fiction book? why couldn't have anyone stopped me? why did the first song that i ever heard have to be the one that tore me down? why did no one hear it but me? why did no one hear me?

this sounds so shallow and pointless but i'll say it anyway: i am so unattractive. i feel it will always hold me back in life.

also am i destined to work a 9-5 desk job for corporate america? wait do i believe in destiny? ...

i don't know what i believe
and i hardly think i ever will.
i'd LOVE to believe in myself. for more than two seconds, two hours, or two days, i'd LOVE to think i have a future. i'd LOVE for that feeling to last. but it never does. there's always a time constriction. i'd LOVE to love myself and be loved. (again?) i'm so scared of everything. what's a life lived in nothing but fear? suicide? why SHOULD i believe in myself when every little reflection i see, every little word i hear pulls me from top to bottom..

life could be grand if i had never made so many mistakes.

i secretly really, really wish i would be diagnosed with cancer/other terminal illness.
that makes me truly fucked up.

why don't we go somewhere only we know

2009-04-04T00:00:00.005-06:00

i'm much better at the piano than i was a year ago. it's quite reassuring, i suppose. i'm deciding between many pieces to do at the pop concert... it's between:

disenchanted - needs lotssss of chord work
cancer - needs fluidity
somewhere only we know - needs fluidity
samson - needs singing/playing correlation
existentialism on prom night - needs singing/playing correlation

also, my newest career proposition/idea/thought is illustrating. the thought of it scares me because it would be such a hard industry to get into but... illustrating comic books and getting bank for it? -dies-
also, i've been trying to think, "ok jamie what do you REALLY love? i don't mean the stuff that you love because it makes you seem cool or what makes people like you, but what really makes you happy in and of yourself?"
animals, music, and harry potter.

i'm applying for a job at the wizarding world of harry potter as soon as i fucking can. i also would love an internship at a famous zoo or at AP magazine. and i've always wanted to join invisible children and intern at to write love on her arms... there's so much to do with life... you see, there really IS a whole lot that i know i want to do but none of them are really careers for the long run... why are we only allowed one path to follow? i know that's not entirely true but it really seems like it is. hmmm, this has bred new thoughts...

dandelions

2009-03-30T18:30:00.005-06:00

k... i decided i never want to be somebody's baby. i want to be their girl. i don't ever want to define myself by another person again. if i'm their baby..that ties me right to them. but if i'm their girl..i'm still my own girl, but i just belong to them. in a safe way. not an owning way. i'm so scared i'll fall back into that. what makes me think about boys so much lately? i feel kind of pathetic. but at the same time, when girls talk to me about their boyfriends and stuff, and they're all "my boyfriend sent me this cute text and i can't wait to see him this weekend" and what not, i used to get super jealous. i'd think "aw so cute i wish i had that." but now when i hear that, i'm just like... "heh... cute." but i could really care less. it's really strange.

ANYWAY. we're having the first writer's right meeting of the year tomorrow! LUL. it makes me kind of sad because i really wanted to be president for the whole year, but i guess the point is that we're doing it. i'm doing the literary magazine so it's all good. but i feel like i should write something new before the meeting so here goes...

laughter shatters into ten thousand pieces, each embodying a tiny memory that floats away like the precious petals of dandelions in spring. others dismiss their frail posture and weightlessness, seeing only art upon the bottom of their tennis shoes. but i've always thought them such wondrous things, full of air and oxygen; a million breaths of light parachuting the whole masterpiece toward the sky. we untie the strings from our fingers and let our memories ascend to the clouds like 99 red balloons. and joy rattles our bones, forgetting everything. we're blank and it's like we've just met each other again. i don't know your name but i know i loved you once. i don't know your birthday but i know what wine you drink. goodbye, beautiful stranger. may the daylight bring you as much peace as the sun will allow, because that's where you and i will rest, while we all journey on through seperate maps, compasses pointed north, the wind offering nothing but the scent of dandelions and a small gust of "you're on your own."

sick, have been doing nothing for days

2009-03-28T18:35:00.002-06:00

list of things i aim to do in college:

- join student concil and get very involved, hopefully i can be a campus rep in a few years :)
- make brand new friends with all my roommates and classmates
- stay in touch with SUU friends and visit frequently, especially to tyson's concerts and parades
- work and make $$$ and try to save most of it
- party without getting caught C: